| Many studies show that teenagers
in the family cause a negative influence on the marriage relationship. The many physical,
emotional, and social changes taking place as the teen moves from being a child to a young
adult are sometimes difficult to integrate and accept. The parents often receive a lot of
static, not only because the teen is upset with them, but also because the teen is
experiencing too much pressure from too many directions all at once. The teen's erratic
stumbling along toward maturity may put a strain on the marriage. What A Teen Needs
To Grow Up
- 1. The teen needs to learn how to be intimate. He or she must learn how to
give love and receive love. Frequently the model he is seeing in his parents' love life is
that of a business relationship, rather than an intimate caring for each other. The teen
innately rejects the parents' sterile way of relating to each other and looks for a
different kind of intimacy.
- Sometimes that search for intimacy, without much experience or understanding of what
love means, may lead the teen into sexual promiscuity. Parents are shocked by this
distortion, but they frequently fail to realize that the distortion could have been
minimized if a truly loving model of intimacy and mutuality had been present in the
parents' marriage for the teen to observe.
- 2. The teen needs to be working on identity or self-understanding. He or
she needs to ask many questions: "Who am I? What are the gifts God has given to me?
How do I use these gifts in the world? What are my values? What is my personal
relationship to God? How do I respond to people in need or to those who are different from
me? What is it that makes me a unique person?" Free-wheeling casual discussions with
parents and peers speed up this important self understanding.
- 3. The teenager also needs to be developing independence / interdependence.
These qualities suggest that a teen should increasingly be able to be responsible for
himself or herself, to make independent decisions, and to be accountable to a boss and to
other significant persons. This transition from being a dependent child to being an
independent young adult is like walking through a mine field in the dark. Some days the
teen will act dependent and want parental assistance. The next day, over the very same
issue, the teen will view the parent's suggestions or assistance as an outlandish
intrusion into his or her personal life.
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- Interdependence means that the teen is not only able to care for himself or herself, but
is also able to begin taking adult care for others. Serving in the church, school or
community is a fast way to learn interdependance. Listening to and learning about
people very different will also encourage interdependance.
All three of these important developmental aspects of the teen's life interface with
each other. The push for independence/interdependence affects the understanding of
identity and the expressions of intimacy. Intimacy and self-identity also affect
independence.
At the same time that the teenager is experiencing rapid developmental change, the husband
and wife are experiencing their own pressures. The sad reality is that the teenager, the
husband, and the wife may all feel exploited and misunderstood.
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The development of each of these three "I's" can make the
teen's, and the parents', lives more hectic--or they can cause stability. For example, as
the teen feels more comfortable with his or her own identity, he or she tends to be less
arrogant in the push for independence or less radical in the expression of intimacy. The
key is to begin moving the child toward growth in these three areas during early
childhood, before the onslaught of the rapid development of the teen years.
Parents react to the developmental processes of
teenagers in very different ways. Some parents understand what is going on and encourage
this growth, while other parents reject the teenager and the growth process--or try to
suppress change. Obviously, rejection or suppression will be counterproductive.
Two Changing Generations
At the same time that the teenager is experiencing rapid
developmental change, the husband and wife are experiencing their own pressures. The
husband probably is deeply committed to his career and may be viewing these years as his
last years to really make it big in his job. He may feel that all of this teenage tension
is putting an unnecessary strain on him when he wants to focus his energies on his career.
Or, he may be going through his own intense struggles due to his own midlife transition.
At the same time, massive changes may be taking place in the
mom. She may feel unneeded by the teen--and the husband. Her intensive mothering career is
coming to an end and her husband seems preoccupied with his achievements. She may have a
strong urge to go back to school, pursue her own career, or fulfill her own dreams.
In addition, midlife is reported to be the least satisfying
time in marriage. This is another of those high-risk times for divorce--and the divorce
danger extends for a long time--approximately from age 35-55.
The sad reality is that the teenager, the husband, and the
wife may all feel exploited and misunderstood. They each may be wishing that the others
would act differently so that their personal life would be easier. They each are using up
their internal energy to resolve their own problems and have little energy to share in
understanding each other.
It will only be a few more years before your nest is totally
empty. Then it will be just the two of you. Prepare now. Reestablish intimacy. Rekindle
the fires so the two of you have the emotional strength to help your teenagers become all
that they need to be.
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Coupled with the tensions, as each of the players in this family drama continue their
rapid changes, are the demands for the largest house, the most cars, and the greatest
child-raising expense of any other time in life. Teens do affect a marriage negatively,
but it is not the teenagers' fault. It is just the reality that the teen, as well as the
husband and wife, are all going through massive changes.
Changing The Focus From Negative To Positive
The teenager's effect on your marriage can be positive if you focus on three major
concepts.
- 1. Help your teens wrestle with their personal development. Don't stifle the
process--be their coachand cheerleader. Help them to think through all of the
"why" questions of life. Encourage them to be reflective and to ask, "Why
don't I drink, use drugs, cheat, lie, or sleep around?" If their answer is, "My
parents told me not to," then they, and you, are in big trouble. The reasons must
come from inside of them, not from your commands.
- They must develop an independence that fits with their identity. Give your teens
increasing responsibilities and privileges which fit with their gifts and abilities.
Affirm them frequently. The energy you spend on helping your teens to become whole people
will also have a direct bearing on a more peaceful home environment.
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- 2. Remember, stress in your midlife marriage is not basically the fault of your
teenagers' development. The marital trouble is more related to the breakdown of intimacy
between the two of you--husband and wife. The solution is not to project blame onto your
teenagers, but to focus on your mate and your marriage relationship.
Teens can help you through your own midlife crisis! Our
daughters were concerned for our
spiritual and emotional health--and they frequently encouraged us to go on dates.
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Spend the necessary time to know your mate. They are not the same person you married years
ago. - Your mate has changed and has different needs, values, and goals in life. Get to know
this new person. Then do your very best to help your mate achieve what he or she wants out
of life. Help your mate be the person God has created him or her to be.
- It will only be a few more years before your nest is totally empty. Then it will be just
the two of you. Prepare now. Reestablish intimacy. Rekindle the fires so the two of you
have the emotional strength to help your teenagers become all that they need to be.
Rebuilding intimacy now will also give you marital satisfaction and pleasure for years to
come.
- 3. Teens can help you through your own midlife crisis. Our daughters became true
peers with us during their teen years. They were concerned for our spiritual and emotional
health--and they frequently encouraged us to go on dates. During both of our midlife
crises, our daughters gave us encouragement and perspective.
- The earlier years of friendship, sharing, and casual discussions with our three
daughters were now paying off. They each had a fairly strong grip on their own personal
and spiritual development and were able to help strengthen us, even as they continue their
own progression toward adulthood.
For more information:
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Books that would help with
Your Child: |
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What are your questions?
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©2002 Midlife Dimensions with portions ©
1995, 1998, 2000, 2002 True World Access, Inc.
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