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Men at Midlife by Jim Conway, Ph.D. ©2000 |
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| After I had spoken at a conference
a man asked if I could talk for a few minutes. His job situation was really bad. His kids
didn’t seem interested in him. His marriage was in trouble; in fact, he often
wondered if they ever should have married. Then he used a phrase that has become familiar
to me: "I feel dead inside. I feel like a piece of hamburger. I’ve lost all my
drive. I don’t see any purpose in living. I’m so different from when I was in my
twenties." BURNED OUT Many men tell us they feel burned out at midlife:
There are many reasons why men feel worn out at midlife. Understanding those reasons will help to eliminate burn out. 1. Peak work load in life. Midlife is the time of heaviest responsibility at work, at home, in the community, and at church. Jobs are piled on because you have experience, leadership abilities, and efficiency. By midlife you know how to get the job done. 2. Ten percent more each year. Without realizing it, you have taken on about ten percent more responsibility each year. If you had one hundred tasks at age twenty-five, by age forty-five you would have over 660 tasks, with just a ten percent growth per year. The crazy thing is that you don’t realize you are adding more to your normal work load. 3. Physical aging. Not only are you accumulating more responsibilities each year, but your physical body is not able to handle stress as it could when you were young. The recovery time for a midlife person is much longer. A young adult can miss a night of sleep and function normally the next day. The midlife adult staggers through the day, looking for a place to take a nap. 4. Changing career focus. For men in their twenties and thirties, career is generally the only focus and it is very rewarding. At midlife, however, many men find their career very unfulfilling and feel an inner pressure to make changes. 5. A question of values. In a man’s late teens and early twenties, he asks, "What do I want to do with my life?" By midlife he asks, "Why am I doing what I’m doing?" At midlife he is like a hamster on a wheel in a cage, continuing to run and run--the wheel is turning, but he feels as if he’s not making any progress. TOUGH MEN TURN TENDER
During my late thirties and early forties, I noticed a growing emotional tenderness. It was easier to cry. I felt people’s hurts more deeply. It was a slow, almost imperceptible, change. I remember the first time I cried while I was preaching. It was a humiliating experience because I am a professional speaker. I’m supposed to know how to control my emotions. But I was unable to continue, for what seemed like endless minutes. I finally did go on, but I was embarrassed to meet the people after the service. However, I was shocked at their response. They said, "Now we believe you're human." They told me it was OK to cry. In fact, a few weeks later I cried again while I was preaching. I stood there, unable to speak because I was so stricken by emotion, yet I didn’t want to sit down. Then a man from the congregation came up to the pulpit while I was crying and put his arms around me. As I look back on those experiences, I realize that maybe more was being taught about the Body of Christ by that caring man coming to put his arms around me, than by dozens of my other highly-polished messages. Midlife men experience a new urge to share feelings with people. They desire to reestablish old acquaintances with high school or college friends. They have a growing longing to develop relationships with their kids. They have a growing need to talk about their feelings. This refocusing of the midlife man on people and feelings puts him in a very dangerous position, especially if he has an unsatisfying marriage. He may find himself easily drawn into an affair as he tries to adjust to these new emotions-- especially if he feels his wife won’t accept the changes in him, and he doesn’t communicate his new needs to her. HIGH LOSS AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM
A contradictory phenomenon is taking place in midlife men. They seem to have a great deal of power, leadership, and ability, yet many of them express great insecurity, and feeling worthless. They feel as if life is passing by them. Midlife men usually are at their peak in career, respect, and dollar earnings. They drive nice cars and their house may be almost paid off. Society views them as attractive and lucky people who have influence, experience, and health. But, behind those successful lives lurk haunting fears. Men fear the future possibilities of being demoted or fired, resulting in a sudden loss of income and status. They fear death and wonder if they’re next to die of a heart attack. Midlife marriage satisfaction is also in its lowest valley. Their children are growing older and away from them emotionally. Their career is not as meaningful as they had hoped. In short, they feel panic as they see life running out--and there’s not enough time to make things turn out right. These feelings of loss produce a sense of failure and lowered self-esteem. "I run a multi-million dollar operation, and yet in the things that are really important--my marriage, my children, and how I think about myself--I feel like I’m a failure." SELFISH AND GENEROUS
Two opposing results come from all of the forces that press on the midlife man. 1. He is selfish. It’s catch-up time for the midlife man. He tries to compensate for some of the distortions of his "career-only" focus during his twenties and thirties. The sudden change may be startling! He may buy a motorcycle, sports car, or a sailboat. His lifestyle may change to include more leisure. Sometimes the abrupt change appears that he is very selfish. In reality, he is making an attempt to balance his life and catch up on some of the things he missed. 2. Generous. Quite often the midlife man also becomes more generous after he passes through his midlife crisis. He has come to terms with his aging so that his personality and life are more balanced. He now has a desire to leave something behind that will outlive him. His new expressions of feelings generally enable him to better relate to people. Perhaps for the first time in his life he is really willing and able to give himself to other people without expecting that he will reap a benefit. BECOME A NEW MAN AT MIDLIFE Suppose you are caught in the middle of this time and you want help. The following suggestions might give you some direction. 1. Agree with and encourage the changes that are taking place in you. Remember, God is carrying out a process in you so that you will be more rounded and fully developed as a person. It’s OK to change. It’s OK to feel tender, to express your feelings, to cry. Take opportunities to talk to your family and your close friends about how you're changing. 2. Encourage the development of your unique person. Young adults tend to be "group-think" people. The midlife man begins to function on self-chosen moral principles. He sees himself more clearly as his own man. Don’t just go along with the crowd. Really do the things that are part of the unique development God has planned for you. 3. Throw away unnecessary obligations. Make a list and prioritize all the things you do and get rid of ten percent of them at the bottom of the list. 4. Appreciate your perspective of seeing life with greater variety and complexity. The young adult tends to think in black-or-white terms. Don’t fall back into that narrow thinking. Practice considering other people’s opinions. Look for the gray areas so that you can understand the subtleties of life more accurately. 5. Reestablish friendships from the past. Pick up the phone and call a high school or college buddy. Renew acquaintances, but also let him know how you're changing as a person. 6. Refocus your life on God. You may feel disillusioned with the institutional church. Be careful that you don’t throw God out if you are struggling with problems in a religious organization. God is your best friend to help you during this difficult time. 7. Rethink the special gifts and abilities that God has given you. Ask God to help you refocus your life so that you don’t waste energy, or the precious years you have ahead of you. Remember that refocusing your life and rethinking your values doesn’t mean you're failing as a man or as a Christian--it may prove to be the most important era of your life. Psalm 92 reminds us that God is the one who found us and "we are under His personal care." Your midlife revaluation is not catching God by surprise. Rather, He is going to use this time to make you a more effective man than ever before. For more information:
What are your questions? ©2002 Midlife Dimensions with portions © 1995, 1998, 2000, 2002 True World Access, Inc. |
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