The Pain and Despair of an Affair...
by Jim Conway, Ph.D. ©2000

Listen to one man’s story as I excerpt parts of his letter and my comments on what’s happening in his life.

First notice that his life and marriage seemed to be normal:

I’m a man in my early 40’s, married for 20 years, with children. I’ve always been a conservative Christian, since my teens. My wife is also a strong, dedicated Christian. We have two wonderful kids . . . the kind any Dad would be proud of. I’ve always been steadily employed. We’re your typical middle class family with one house, two cars, one dog, one cat and 2.5 televisions! With all I have going for me I’m amazed I find myself in the circumstances I’m now in.

Often by midlife people have internal stress which is unseen by others:

I read "Men In Midlife Crisis" about 12 months ago and was really shocked to find so much of what I’d been feeling captured in the pages of your book. I couldn’t hold back the tears or the overwhelming emotions that wracked me as I realized someone understood what I was feeling.

Notice the pivotal role a mate can have in helping to resolve or not resolve the midlife stress:

I was so disappointed when my wife "shrugged" my midlife feelings as an "excuse" to justify my behavior. I tried to show her that at least in part, it might help to explain what I’d been going through, and why I’d been so screwed up inside. She preferred to believe that I was just being selfish and didn’t want to face the real reason for my treatment of her and the kids—my sinful heart.

Now a crucial sentence—he is choosing to ignore his internal conflicts, hoping they will go away. If a person does not stop and get help—he will keep spiraling deeper:

So, I finished the book, set it aside and continued to let myself go down paths that have gradually destroyed most of my relationships. We buried all our problems and hoped they would go away. Emotional problems, sexual problems, and personality conflicts all took their toll. My wife let herself go physically, and walled herself off emotionally. I focused my energies on anything but building our relationship.

I had gradually lost all desire to be married to my wife anymore. She, on the other hand, had hardened herself to the point that even if I wanted to communicate with her, she wouldn’t let it happen.

There is always a spiritual loss in this downward spiral:

The struggle over our marriage problem was so great that it began to have an adverse affect upon my walk with God. I just couldn’t get past the feeling of hypocrisy and failure.

All of the above failures lead him into a dangerous position—isolation and loneliness:

Then, the unthinkable happened. I know you’ve heard this a thousand times from men just like me, but I was so lonely. I had a wife and family, but I felt like a stranger in my own home. All I had dreamed of, hoped for, or desired for my life was just an empty shell.

Ultimately the accumulation of the losses lead to despair:

Now all of my life seemed so pointless. Nothing will ever change I thought.

Finally in his pointless vacuum he reaches out for help—but to the wrong place:

I began to talk to people on an internet chat line. I don’t know why. I just needed a change. Needed to know I wasn’t so alone. Needed to believe I still had something to offer people. Needed to find out if I could risk my security on new relationships.

Notice how he is sucked further away from God—and his wife:

It didn’t seem like much of a risk at first. I enjoyed the anonymity and felt free to explore the dark things which had lain dormant in my heart. I experienced shame for allowing these things, but I couldn’t shake them. I began to turn away from the church. I turned my back on God and began to question Him. I never felt more alone. I would argue with my wife, refuse to go to church, and say I had to go in to work. I couldn’t face myself, let alone my God. I just felt dead inside.

When we feel most alone, guilty and empty, then Satan plays his trump card:

Then I met a woman who brought a spark of life. The trap was laid early on, and I walked right into it. She was a married woman. She was as unhappy as I was. We both clung to each other for emotional support.

This man must now change the way he sees reality—wrong must become right, and it’s always someone else’s fault.

I knew it was wrong. Though she’s a Christian, her views were a little more liberal than mine. She seems to be able to reconcile her faith in God with a change in her marital status. She believes that God wants us to be happy.

Then the seduction of the affair—and the guilt:

For six months, we developed our relationship long distance. I tried to end it 3 times, hoping I could spark some desire for my wife and escape this trap, but I always wound up going back to my girlfriend. Finally, we made plans to meet. I was excited and horrified at the prospect. What was I doing? How could I let this happen? What had I become? All these thoughts racked my mind for weeks before she flew into town. I felt trapped. I felt exhilarated. I felt emotions I had never experienced. I let it happen. We both violated our pledge of fidelity to our spouses that week.

The lying to himself now becomes lying to his wife to cover the bigger lie:

I made excuses for my absence from home. I often lied to my wife about the money I was spending to maintain this double lifestyle.

The Bible says a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. (James 1). He thinks, "If I stay I will lose—if I go I will lose". He is in a "no win" situation.

My lover has filed for divorce, and now she’s waiting for me to do the same. Should I step off the edge of this cliff? I told her I don’t want to do this if I’m going to regret it later. I feel responsible for her divorce, and I don’t want her to be alone because I backed out of my promise to love her forever. I want her, but I just can’t seem to lay down the last 20 years to have her.

But God keeps asking this man if he is really happy doing wrong:

Now I’ll be the first to admit that sin pleases for a season, but eventually it loses it’s attraction. How could I be so happy with my girlfriend—while I’m grieving over what I’m throwing away? I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell my lover the truth. I know it’s sinful. I know it’s wrong. I know it will destroy my wife and family. I know how it hurts God’s heart.