Midlife Dimensions


New Year’s Day – 1/1/2010

7:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: More of Jim's advice – “STAYER AND RUNNER” There are two people involved in the midlife crisis -- one is the person who wants to save it and the other is the one who wants to get away. The "stayer" is the one who needs to be willing to change. The "runner" is looking for excuses to get away and does not want to face any of their problems. So at the beginning of trying to restore the marriage we work with the "stayer" helping them to eliminate any areas that are causing problems. As the "runner" begins to show interest in returning, then we encourage the couple to get involved in marriage counseling so that the problems with both people can be resolved and the marriage can have a high probability of succeeding.


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New Year’s Day – 1/1/2010


6:01 Cricket [Facilitator]: Good evening Helping, how are you doing?

6:01 MAS: Hello ladies, how are you?

6:01 helping [Facilitator]: ''O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up. ' Psalms 139; 1 & 2

6:02 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping - Thanks that is such a wonderful verse.

6:02 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi MAS - How are you today?

6:02 helping [Facilitator]: Hello everyone :) I Pray This Year Is A BLESSED Year For Everyone!

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping - AMEN

6:03 helping [Facilitator]: MAS, Hello & welcome! Glad you could join us : ) How are you?

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - I’m tired but doing well, how are you?

6:03 Swanlake: hello everyone

6:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Swan & sbky - Happy New Year

6:03 MAS: Cricket: Did you enjoy your trip?

6:04 sbky: hello

6:04 MAS: Hello Swanlake and sbky.

6:04 helping [Facilitator]: Cricket; I thought to look & see who was facilitator tonight....good thing I did !

6:04 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - I did. The couple I stayed with were part of my wedding back in 1980 so long term friends and they had other family members there.

6:04 helping [Facilitator]: sbky; Hello & welcome! Glad you could join us :) How are you?

6:05 MAS: Cricket: That must have been really nice.

6:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping - I didn't look but planned to be here if needed so you would have been covered. Still glad you are here.

6:06 sbky: helping I am good how are you?

6:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - It was nice. We played games until very late in the night - well actually morning so I’m dragging today. I drove home today and it was a struggle as I was so tired. I didn't stop on the 3 hr trip as I worried I'd fall asleep.

6:06 helping [Facilitator]: Cricket; Glad you are here also :) Jo was suppose to be here with me tonight, I’m sure she will show up

6:06 helping [Facilitator]: sbky; Doing good : )

6:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: sbky - How was you New Years. Were you with your in laws?

6:07 MAS: Cricket: Glad you made it home safely.

6:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping - Yes although she's really had a rough time with the flu she's had.

6:07 sbky: I went to my friends house.. my son was with my in-laws.. and my d was at a friend’s

6:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Thank you, I really thought about stopping and taking a nap but I sure wanted to be home.

6:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - How are you doing about eating?

6:09 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; I read something today & thought of you; Psalms 126; starting at verse 5; 'Those who sow in tears Shall reap in joy.

6:09 MAS: Cricket: I’m really trying, but it's been difficult.

6:09 MAS: helping: Thank you for thinking of me.

6:09 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - I know it's difficult but if you keep working at it, it will get better.

6:10 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; Know you have cried many tears over H...the Lord see those tears & knows your hurt

6:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - I know it floored you to learn your H had hidden the OW for a year. Please remember that if he didn't care about hurting you, he wouldn't have worked at hiding it.

6:10 MAS: helping: I’m so tired of crying.

6:11 MarySarah: MAS God will keep your tears in a bottle : )

6:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - Good to see you, is this your first time here?

6:11 helping [Facilitator]: MarySarah; That is very true!

6:11 MarySarah: Cricket not exactly, given recent events, well, you know!

6:12 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - I see you have a new identity. We should put out an email to the group.

6:12 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - Welcome

6:12 helping [Facilitator]: BlueSky & Swanlake; Hello & welcome! Glad you could join us :) How are you?

6:12 MarySarah: Cricket I will email you here in a second with what I’m talking about

6:13 helping [Facilitator]: MarySarah; Hello & welcome! Glad you could join us :) How are you?

6:13 MAS: Cricket: @6:10 Yes, I realize that, and that's just what he told me. But I still feel like a little fool.

6:14 BlueSky: HI all, Cricket glad you had a wonderful time, you deserve it.

6:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - In a way it helped you be more prepared, if you had found out sooner, you wouldn't have been to retreat or had a chance to learn about mlc.

6:14 MarySarah: helping I’m ok, having very rough day!

6:14 MAS: MarySarah: I think I know who you are. Were you at the retreat?

6:14 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; Remember my H looked me straight in the eyes & told me there was no ow...then I see them holding hands walking in the park...

6:14 Swanlake: helping - I am great, enjoying a quiet day here. Didn't go out today, it was 18 degrees, so I stayed warm.

6:15 sbky: I am watching a movie so not very chatty tonight

6:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - it's a nice day to be tucked in safe t home.

6:16 sbky: all my h still says he will work on my sons bathroom next week and if I call to ask something about it he is nice.

6:16 BlueSky: all, what a cool announcement thingy.

6:16 helping [Facilitator]: Swanlake; I on the other hand felt like I needed some fresh air....boy was it cold out, but got the 'fresh air' I was wanting

6:16 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - Yes as facilitators, we have that ability to send a private message.

6:17 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - I let those here know you.

6:17 MAS: Cricket/helping: I’m not sure....I don't think there's anything would have prepared me for this. I asked him just a few weeks ago if there was anyone else, and he told me no.

6:17 BlueSky: Swan, oh dear, it reached almost 70 here, I got very warm taking the lights down outside.

6:17 Cricket [Facilitator]: sbky - Wow that is a nice praise to start the New Year with

6:17 MarySarah: All H is making threats again, even as I try not to push, pursue, etc.... Tonight he caught me off guard as has in past. I try stay very calm & not let things get to me. I did start crying esp. when started saying how miserable I made him & God gave

6:18 sbky: cricket I just hope he follows through

6:18 MarySarah: All cont ow to be happy & this fall he will D me & marry ow & live with her forever.

6:18 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - I remember some of us suggested that was possible as we've come to learn that it is a typical part of mlc and they tend to hide it, but still it is so hard to think that our H's would lie to us.

6:19 BlueSky: Cricket, it was like the secret password on the game show Password

6:19 MarySarah: Cricket Thank you 6:17

6:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSKy -Yes as facilitators, we have a few of those little special tools.

6:19 Swanlake: BlueSky - big difference from 18 to 70, glad you were a little warmer, hope you got out in the sun.

6:20 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - When mlc hits, they are so vulnerable to an OP. They are also ashamed of this, feel guilty so try to hide it from everyone. Of course it always gets out in time.

6:20 BlueSky: Swan, no not a sun worshiper at all, very fair skin.

6:22 MAS: Cricket: Yes, it is yet another big shock for me. And the fact that he is with her over this holiday weekend is almost too unbearable take.

6:22 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - I was told that our H's pretty much had to give in to an OW as part of the mlc process. So as I said before, the positive side is that your H has moved further along in this process than we thought.

6:22 MarySarah: Cricket Even getting threats of going to court @ my expense because everything isn't all said & done. Stop!!!!!! I am trying to leave him alone, why can't he do same. I am not enemy, I didn't hurt him. this is too much sometimes I feel I’m going to crack

6:22 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Remember they have to explore the fantasy to be able to finally see reality. In time they find that the newness wears off and things aren't as wonderful as they imagined.

6:23 helping [Facilitator]: Cricket; Do they also try to hide it if they marry the ow? I’m asking because H & ow are now wearing wedding rings....but no body has said anything

6:23 MAS: Cricket: Sorry but it's really hard to look at that as something positive.

6:24 MarySarah: helping 6:23 I am so sorry. If that's case, why is H spending time with you?

6:24 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - It is just part of mlc to blame us for all their unhappiness, they have to justify themselves. Although of course there are things that any couple can work on in their marriage and individually, they have to convince themselves that we are so bad that it's not possible. That we are the reason for the misery and they convince themselves this is true. The more they do this, the angrier they get at us and lash out.

6:24 helping [Facilitator]: MarySarah; I have no clue....

6:25 MarySarah: helping would your children really hide something like that too?

6:25 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - The only positive thing is that these guys pretty much all have to work through their fantasy to be able to be healed of mlc and at least you know that your H has moved further into this process than once thought.

6:26 helping [Facilitator]: MarySarah; Nobody knows nothing about it...very odd I think

6:26 helping [Facilitator]: faithful; Hello & welcome! Glad you could join us :) How are you?

6:26 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping - It sure seems strange given the way they'd been acting... no gift exchange, your H's drawling closer to you, etc.

6:26 MarySarah: Cricket 6:24 I wonder if they so can't deal with self, blame that they HAVE to make work with ow & think can't repair marriage & ow is fresh start to prove they (H) are fine & not prob/cause of own unhappiness & bad choices

6:26 MAS: Hello faithfull, how are you?

6:26 Swanlake: BlueSky - I’m not either, don't just lay out in it, but it is good for your health, the UV light helps with endorphins and such.

6:27 faithfull: Helping I am ok, was a little depress this am but I am better now.

6:27 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping/MarySarah - Sometimes friends and family are afraid to tell us as they know how much it will hurt.

6:27 MarySarah: helping anything like that goes in newspaper & in archives @ local court house

6:27 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping - Still the signs are certainly contradictory in your H's behavior.

6:27 faithfull: MAS I am doing ok considering the holidays. God has been good and I am trying to keep my focus on God.

6:28 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithful - How are you tonight.

6:28 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithful - Keep in mind that our H's think of us a lot during the holidays too.

6:28 MAS: Cricket @6:27: Yes, just like my H and OW. My daughter, son-in-law, and H's family all knew about it.

6:28 MarySarah: helping maybe it's a show! in name only sort of thing

6:29 helping [Facilitator]: Cricket; Actually the subject of marriage came up at Christmas so I just ask....they said no, we just thought we would wear them...so I dropped it

6:29 MarySarah: Helping I am with Cricket here 6:26 Is band from your marriage?

6:30 helping [Facilitator]: still; Hello & welcome! Glad you could join us :) How are you?

6:30 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - They do work hard with OW to prove to friends and self that we were the problem. I know my H really told everyone how great 2nd marriages are, etc etc that he was so happy and then he ended up divorced & admitting never really happy.

6:30 Still: I’m doing pretty good. How about you?

6:30 MAS: faithfull: Yes, I know. The holidays are very hard to get through, but I’m glad you're doing okay.

6:30 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping - Even IF (and it's a big IF), your H married the OW, it sure sounds like things aren't good there & he's more drawn to you.

6:30 helping [Facilitator]: MarySarah; No....H's is big & fancy, so is ow's...nothing like what we had

6:31 faithfull: Cricket that is what I hope for that he is thinking of his kids at least. But I am doing better than I thought.

6:31 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Yes I know when my H was seeing the OW secretly after moving out from me, he ran into several coworkers & friend who never said anything as they didn't want to hurt me.

6:31 faithfull: MAS I worked last night and my sister kept the kids. We had dinner at my house tonight and we are just hanging out. It is fun to have a house full of kids. My grand baby is here to and I em enjoying her.

6:32 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithful - All that I've talked to or heard from say that they do think of us & their family a lot at the holidays

6:32 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Still - How are you tonight?

6:32 sbky: cricket I hope that is so true. it hurts to think he just "threw" me away

6:33 MarySarah: Cricket 6:30 Mine has blah attitude about D so what everyone does it, yet he & ow will be for life he says. Funny, thought they said that before. H also said I didn't want work on M really, don't understand what that meant

6:33 Still: I am doing okay. Glad to be into the new year....praying for a better one.

6:33 MAS: faithfull: Oh, that is wonderful. You are so blessed to have family there with you.

6:33 faithfull: Cricket I just wish he would of made some contact with the kids at Christmas a card or something. Instead he just sent me a text. For new years we have not heard anything. But oh well is his loss.

6:33 Cricket [Facilitator]: sbky - They try to throw us away, but it just doesn't work that way...

6:33 helping [Facilitator]: Cricket; What's really hard I've found is ow puts H down a lot & makes fun of him...it's so hard at times not to say anything when she does that

6:34 sbky: cricket it feels it has. but I deal with those feelings. see my dad did throw me and my family away but I knew he is mental.. still hurts

6:34 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - Of course they convince themselves that this next marriage (to OW) will work. If they didn't think that, they wouldn't take the chance. But statistics show less than 5% chance of success which makes sense as based on adultery and there is no trust

6:34 MAS: Still@6:33 I think we are all praying for a better year.

6:35 Still: MAS, I suppose so. 2009 will definitely go down as my worst year in the history books.

6:35 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping - That's what I mean. Even IF they married, this behavior would push anyone away... Things that you have observed show your H is opening his eyes more and more.

6:35 MAS: faithfull: Was it your H who traveled to the UK for Christmas?

6:35 CindyJ: Hi everyone! Happy New Year!!

6:35 helping [Facilitator]: CindyJ; Hello & welcome! Glad you could join us :) How are you?

6:35 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Cindy - Happy New Year to you.

6:36 MAS: Still: An absolutely terrible year. I agree 100%

6:36 faithfull: MAS yes he went to London for a few days.

6:36 MarySarah: Cricket I’m pretty sure my H doesn't see ow left last relationship because he wouldn't be pressured into M right away & she was still with guy & they had trip planned where he was going to ask her to M H & guy a lot alike, H lots more money & energy

6:37 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Yes most of us look back at the year that this all hit as extremely hard but there will be blessings... I know many of us have found many blessings in following years.

6:37 MAS: faithfull: So, he's back home now?

6:37 Still: I got "the speech" about a year ago. My H is still here in the home....says only for the children. I just have to believe that there is something still there for me or he would have left. Maybe just wishful thinking.

6:37 faithfull: Mas yes he has been back and inform me he was going to file for divorce. I told him to go ahead but I was not going to sign it.

6:38 MarySarah: Cricket cont I think H believes she'd stay no matter what. It's so sick it's like he's buying her trust & loyalty. How can she trust someone leaves fam & he trust someone who will be with married man? You prob hit nail on head there

6:38 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - He would just look at it as that guy didn't have the relationship he has with her. They don't look at this logically. They convince themselves that the OW was searching for them & THEY are right where the other was not.

6:38 faithfull: MAS I told him he could not understand why I did not give up and file for divorce but I was doing what I thought was best. He never replied.

6:38 MarySarah: helping from cricket 6:35 Amen to that

6:38 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - And she's buying his trust & loyalty... but in time they found there is not real trust.

6:39 CindyJ: MarySarah....my thought is that they don't trust each other and know it. They're having "wishful thinking".

6:39 faithfull: ALL boy my grandbaby keeps me busy. She is two and she is into everything.

6:40 MarySarah: Still 6:37 That is God working with H still being there

6:40 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hi Bittersweet - How are you tonight?

6:40 helping [Facilitator]: bittersweet; Hello & welcome! Glad you could join us :) How are you?

6:40 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hey Jo - we were wondering about you. I knew you were still fighting the relapse of flu

6:40 bittersweet: Cricket: Have virus. Temp was 103.4

6:41 helping [Facilitator]: Hello Jo !!

6:41 MAS: Hi bittersweet. How are you?

6:41 Still: MarySarah, even though he has been clear that it is only for our children twins9? I want to believe it is God's work. We have always been active in our church and I know my H is struggling with what is right and his desire to escape.

6:41 CindyJ: Hi Jo.

6:41 MarySarah: Cindy & Cricket thanks!

6:41 Cricket [Facilitator]: Bittersweet - Wow, that's a high temp. Do they think it's H1N1 - do you have headaches too?

6:41 CindyJ: Cricket....thanks!

6:41 bittersweet: MAS: HELLO. Hope you were able to get the books.

6:42 Cricket [Facilitator]: Cindy -How is your D & BIL?

6:42 bittersweet: Cricket: I did not go to the doctor. Instead I felt sorry for myself and hoped

6:43 helping [Facilitator]: Jo; How are you??

6:43 MAS: bittersweet: I’m so sorry you are sick. When did you come down with a fever?

6:43 bittersweet: Cricket: Continued...Jesus would come get me. It gets harder every day..

6:43 Still: MarySarah, we still attend church every Sunday as a family and Bible Study every week as a couple. Our Bible Study is focused on relationships. My H even contributes, but doesn't seem to know how to apply the information he is presented with.

6:43 Jo [Facilitator]: Cricket - Thankfully it was 2 colds in a row, but the coughing is still dragging on. Sorry I missed you, have not done a good job keeping up on the emails. Lots of church activities and company over Christmas. I’m glad your travel was safe.

6:43 CindyJ: Cricket @ 6:42....they are doing much better. SIL is getting email from ex-business partner and SIL told him to stop emailing him, that he is toxic to him and my daughter and family. SIL felt bad about that after he sent it out and I told him it's

6:43 Cricket [Facilitator]: Bittersweet - I know what you were thinking - it usually doesn't work that way. We need to be proactive and then let our H's reach out to us.. but not wait for them. Remember they just can't handle pressure & responsibility.

6:43 CindyJ: ok to set boundaries.

6:44 Cricket [Facilitator]: Cindy - I agree with boundaries.

6:44 MarySarah: Cricket. Jo, helping & Swan Why would H be sooooo eager to distribute assets when we are only sep, to point threatening court? I seriously feel he's hiding something HUGE financially!

6:44 CindyJ: Cricket, I know you do and so do I.

6:44 faithfull: Cricket I know there are stages to MLC. Is one of them withdrawal. I do not remember.

6:45 Cricket [Facilitator]: Bittersweet - Part of the changes that you want your H to see is that you will deal with these things, not be needy, then they are more likely to reach out to us. But if we don't take care of ourselves, they think we're being manipulative & needy.

6:45 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithful - Yes withdrawal is a typical stage.

6:45 MarySarah: Still what about an intensive? love and respect or New Beginnings?

6:45 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithful - I can send you an email with the six stages.

6:46 sbky: cricket forward it to me too

6:46 faithfull: Cricket yes I would like that.

6:46 Cricket [Facilitator]: Faithful &sbky - okay

6:46 bittersweet: MAS: Fever came on last night and progressed up to 103.4 by mid afternoon. So, right now it is 101.4 so will log off soon. Wanted to check on my CHAT FAMILY SUPPORT GROUP.

6:46 Still: MarySarah, what are these things you are referencing? My H and I have been through MC and it was just short of disastrous. He isn't willing to see an IC or any other person to discuss his issues....definitely doesn't believe he is in MLC.

6:46 faithfull: I think h is in the withdrawal phase. Knowing the stages makes me feel better about his withdrawn.

6:47 faithfull: All I was just thinking and asking God to forgive me because I gave up on h and my marriage. I was reading about Joseph and how his brother sold him. He told them you meant it for bad but God meant it for good.

6:48 Still: Faithfull, my H has been in what I believe to be replay for about a year. UGH! Concerts, drinking, gambling, parties.

6:48 faithfull: still where does that fall into.

6:48 bittersweet: Cricket: I laid on the couch and let he and his mom take care of me so he was happy. HE is not a doctor guy anyway.

6:48 MAS: bittersweet: Please take care of yourself .Try to get some rest and see a doctor if you need to.

6:48 Jo [Facilitator]: helping, Cindy - I’m resting up after 2 church programs and 3 get-togethers with family over Christmas. It was a lot of fun but now I need some recovery time from too many goodies!. I enjoyed playing games with my grandchildren, of course.

6:48 MarySarah: Still divorce busting has intensives too, they concentrate on going forward & quick targeted solutions to specific areas Love & respect & New Beginnings are God focused but help with communication & going forward according to scripture

6:49 Cricket [Facilitator]: Bittersweet - I’m glad you did come in. Be sure to drink a LOT of fluids, take some Tylenol and vitamins

6:49 Still: Faithfull, Stage 3 out of six stages.

6:49 bittersweet: Cricket: You know me by now it seems pretty good. Took meds

6:50 Still: MarySarah, is that a website?

6:50 faithfull: Still this is a long road but I think well worth it no matter what the outcome is if we stay focus on God.

6:50 MarySarah: Still Cricket is right that H needs be able to receive though Ask God tell you when, where, how & if, to bring up weekend intensive. God will answer those questions for you the sites are on line. Pray for discernment & words from Holy Spirit to H

6:50 CindyJ: Jo...I understand. I traveled to visit daughter and seemed like all we did was eat. I was at sister's last night playing games and singing karaoke and tomorrow night is our family Christmas party. I almost can't wait to get back to work so I can rest.

6:50 Swanlake: Hey cheyanne - how are you doing tonight? I kept meaning to ask you last night, how are your boys doing?

6:51 bittersweet: MAS: If you can't get those books I will get them for you. IT will work in Jesus name.

6:51 Still: Faithfull, I have a faith in God that I never knew before. This crisis has brought me a spiritual strength I never knew existed. I will make it through with this strength.

6:51 Cricket [Facilitator]: Chey - So glad you joined us.

6:52 MarySarah: Faithful Joseph was gone a LOOOng time & was initially persecuted, but ultimately blessed, God through him provided for the Egyptians, Cannanites & Joseph's family & provided reconciliation!

6:52 faithfull: Still that is the way I feel too. If I do not spend time in the word or prayer I feel like I am lacking something. I have heard from God like never before.

6:53 MarySarah: Still My H has shown replay behaviors most of our life! Esp. since about 2003 & really since 2006 when all Hxxx broke loose!

6:53 faithfull: Marysarah that is what made me rethink my stand knowing that it might take a long time but in the end God will get the glory no matter what.

6:53 MAS: bittersweet: Thank you. I will try to get them through Amazon.

6:53 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - I know many of us here realize that it was because of this journey with our H's that we have reconnected with the Lord and worked on that relationship that had not been there in our marriage. Many times we end up putting our H's first & make them our Idol

6:54 MAS: I am still here...looks like computer issues again.

6:54 bittersweet: ALL: Got to go now. Take care.

6:54 faithfull: Cricket @6:53 that is what we were talking about with some ladies in bible study that we depend so much on our h that when they leave is devastating. When they come back we need to remember and always make God our number priority.

6:55 MAS: bittersweet: Hope you feel better!

6:55 Still: Cricket, My H was the reason I am deeply involved in our church. He wanted us to have a church once we became engaged. I always felt that his faith was stronger than mine, but this crisis has shown me how strong my faith truly is. H is so lost....

6:56 helping [Facilitator]: 'Heavenly Father, I thank You that Your Love surrounds us, may Your Holy Spirit rise up Strong within us each and every day. I ask, Heavenly Father, that You would Heal those here tonight in Mindy, Body And Spirit. May You continue that good work which You have started, and You continue to hover over and around our loved ones, no matter where they are or who they are with. Draw them to YOU dear Lord, and keep watch over them. May Your protective Hand be upon our troops both overseas and at home, watch over them and encourage them. I ask Heavenly Father that You would go forth before us each and every day, guide us with every step we take, and may we show forth the love that You have given us to pass on to others. I ask for rest and peace upon each and every person here tonight, may we lay our burdens down and give them to You. I Thank You And Praise You And Give You All Honor & Glory, In The Name Of Jesus, Amen.'

6:56 faithfull: All good night and God bless.

6:56 MarySarah: Still Loveandrespect.com is one, New Beginnings is savemymarriage.com is another. Divorce busting is another. I see these as places God will have me in the future & for now I do have a divorce busting coach. Helps me when have deal with H's bad behav

6:56 Swanlake: Amen, Amen and Amen, thank you helping for the lovely prayer

6:57 MAS: helping: Amen

6:57 Still: cont. One thing that has become clear to me in all of this is that my H and I never prayed together...unless meals or with the children. I have this intense desire to pray with him, but he is so distant from me. cont.

6:57 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - That is wonderful. My H didn't really know the Lord and I grew up I the church. I thought I could keep connected even though my H wasn't but instead I drifted. My greatest prayer is now for my H's salvation.

6:57 Still: I haven't even been able to touch him in any capacity for over 9 months....though we live in the same home.

6:58 MAS: Hello, Plumcrazy. How are you?

6:58 Plumcrazy: ok MAs

6:59 helping [Facilitator]: Swanlake; Man...talk about the type o's !.....

6:59 Swanlake: helping - it is just your brain thinking faster than your fingers can move, happens to all of us.

6:59 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping - AMEN - Thank you

7:00 Plumcrazy: Cricket regular hrs tonight?

7:01 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - This is a time that you can compliment him, flirt when you get a chance and let him see all the work you are doing in yourself. Your compliments have to be for something specific though, not just general ones.

7:01 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - YEs I believe so... We can be a little flexible though. How are you?

7:02 Still: Cricket, you told me this the other night. I have been working on this. Very specific comments. I don't think he really knows how to receive them.

7:02 Jo [Facilitator]: MarySarah -Have you read LOVE LIFE FOR EVERY MARRIED COUPLE by Ed Wheat? Chapter 15 is 'How To Save Your Marriage Alone.'

7:02 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - I’m sure you've seen the three things Jim say are typical areas men complain about right?

7:02 Plumcrazy: Cricket I am OK. Nice quiet New Yrs Eve with Family

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - That's good. How was your H over New Years?

7:03 Still: Cricket, I have read the book, but I am not recalling those specific ones.

7:04 Plumcrazy: Cricket- I kissed kids at midnight. Went to give H a kiss on the cheek. He saw me and scrunched up his shoulder so I couldn’t kiss him with big grin on his face. So I kissed him on the forehead

7:04 MarySarah: Jo 7:02 Yes, but I need to read it again

7:04 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - THREE THINGS-Men complain about - give to WOMEN How you're doing in these 3 areas? Midlife men complain that their wives....1) are naggy, controlling, and often boss them around like children (sometimes men do act like children)...2) are overweight, out of shape, and don't care about physical appearance. (Men are very visual, & when their wife looks good to them, that translates that she is interested in sex. A high priority in a man's life is regular, exciting sex for which he doesn't have to beg)...and 3) have not had a new thought since they got married. (They complain that their wives are not growing intellectually or in their careers, which makes them very dependent and clingy -- which is often negative to a midlife man.)

7:05 helping [Facilitator]: God Bless Each And Every One! In My Prayers, good night

7:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: More of Jim's advice - STAYER AND RUNNER There are two people involved in the midlife crisis -- one is the person who wants to save it and the other is the one who wants to get away. The "stayer" is the one who needs to be willing to change. The "runner" is looking for excuses to get away and does not want to face any of their problems. So at the beginning of trying to restore the marriage we work with the "stayer" helping them to eliminate any areas that are causing problems. As the "runner" begins to show interest in returning, then we encourage the couple to get involved in marriage counseling so that the problems with both people can be resolved and the marriage can have a high probability of succeeding.

7:06 helping [Facilitator]: Cricket; I am going to go, is that ok & you can close up chat?

7:06 MarySarah: Cricket Our kids went with dad to see movie that ow & he already saw so tonight ow asked if dtr was staying over she said no we're going see movie & ow automatically said to son we're going to movie now dtr came home & said ow was in car when dtr

7:06 MarySarah: Cricket cont dtr was dropped off. I don't even want that woman in my driveway Is it stupid for me to say that to H?

7:07 Still: I think I am doing okay in those areas. My H's friends have always harassed him because he has more freedom and less responsibility, I have lost 60 lbs., and I have 2 master's degrees. So, I should still have some intellectual thought. :)

7:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - You'd just be picking another fight with H. It's just not something you can control as far as OW's exposure to kids by insisting.

7:07 MAS: helping: Take care and have a good night.

7:08 helping [Facilitator]: MAS; You too, call anytime :)

7:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - I know some were able to get H's to agree to avoid contact between kids & OW but most weren't. If your H thinks he will marry the OW, he will be more stubborn with this.

7:08 MarySarah: Cricket I was mostly upset about ow being on my property Kids will have to handle things themselves

7:09 Plumcrazy: Cricket-Did you see what I typed at 7:04?

7:09 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - You can ask your H that he not bring her on your property although he'd probably just park a little further away.

7:09 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - No I missed it - just a minute I'll check

7:09 Still: What percentage of MLC's involve an OW? I don't think there has been an OW in my case. I know that my H has had fantasies about another life with dating opportunities, etc.

7:10 CindyJ: Good night everyone!! Have a blessed weekend!!!!

7:10 MAS: helping: I will, thank you! And the same for you.

7:10 Plumcrazy: Nite Cindy Take care

7:10 sbky: night

7:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - It's good you turned it into a game with the kiss - you didn't let it get awkward and gave him the kiss on the forehead. Did he laugh or seem to joke too or seem unhappy?

7:11 Plumcrazy: Tamashii: Hello How are you doing?

7:11 MAS: Still: I didn't think my H had OW. Just found out he's had one for over a year.

7:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Most mlcrs give in to an OW, part of them chasing their fantasy.

7:11 Tamashii: ALL: OK, I’m here. Let's get this party started! :-)

7:12 Still: MAS, I am so sorry. That must be devastating.

7:12 Cricket [Facilitator]: Hey Tamashii - So good to see you. We've missed you.

7:12 Plumcrazy: Cricket. He wasn’t upset when I kissed his forehead he had a big grin on his face

7:12 Tamashii: Plum: I’m good. I’m here with daughter and g-sons!

7:13 MarySarah: Goodnight all, dtr is home, need to spend time with her Goodnight!

7:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - That's what I thought. So good that you didn't react with hurt feelings, turned it into a game. I think you did GREAT!

7:13 MAS: Still: You have no idea. It's made me sick to my stomach. I only found out a few days before Christmas.

7:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: Plum - I think they need to see we are strong, not going to fall apart and can tease & kid with them

7:14 Tamashii: Hi Cricket: You're the bomb!

7:15 MAS: Still: I don't think I have the strength to deal with it.

7:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - I KNEW I missed you... Thanks. I'd been worried about you and very glad to see you here

7:15 Tamashii: MAS: We all have the idea. It has happened to us. We know how you feel.

7:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - Are you getting re-settled back here?

7:16 Still: MAS Did he tell you or did you discover it?

7:17 Tamashii: Crick: Just talking to brilliant daughter about my next move. Found a good church. Went to my old one last week. They were happy to see me!

7:18 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - I’m so glad. Can you still play with the band you had been with?

7:18 Tamashii: Crick: No band jobs. They aren't even working.

7:18 Plumcrazy: Tamashii-Are you still at your D's?

7:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: Helping - Go ahead - Jo & I will close

7:19 Jo [Facilitator]: ALL - I wish you all the best in the new year ahead. Blessings to all. Have to take a phone call. Good night

7:19 Tamashii: Night, Jo!

7:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - Maybe because you weren't there - They'll get more jobs with you back... lol

7:19 Tamashii: Plum: Yes

7:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: Night Jo -

7:20 Plumcrazy: Tamashii-I bet you are enjoying your grandsons

7:20 Tamashii: Crick: If only that were so. It's an economic thing. Also, places decide to go in different directions with their music.

7:20 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Keep in mind that you weren't ready to hear about OW earlier if we'd have tried to convince you... you were shown in God's timing.

7:20 MAS: Tamashii: Thank you. I know almost everyone here has been through it. It just came as such a shock right now since he's kept it from me for so long.

7:21 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - Yes I’m sure the economy is hurting the entertainment industry. But local businesses told me that the past holiday was better than they'd had in past years so maybe things will get better.

7:21 Tamashii: MAS: You must remember that MLCers are liars. Mine's a liar, Cricket's is a liar. They all lie.

7:22 MAS: Still: I discovered it by something my daughter said to me, and when I confronted him over the phone, he was forced to admit it.

7:22 Still: I have been told that "I will know" if there is an OW just by intuition. Is that always the case? I honestly don't think there is one, but H has told me of his "urges" to be single and explore that type of lifestyle.

7:22 Tamashii: ALL: My daughter's H is showing same signs.

7:23 Plumcrazy: Sorry to hear that Tamashii

7:23 Still: MAS...what do you do with that information? I just can't imagine.

7:25 MAS: Tamashii@7:21: Yes, apparently that is very true.

7:25 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - We should put out a prayer request for her.

7:25 Tamashii: Crick: Good idea.

7:26 Tamashii: I’m trying to get Bosco to quit stepping on the keyboard...

7:26 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - It's all part of mlc. My H was not a liar before and so moral but mlc does really affect them - like we said, it's like a clone is left behind.

7:26 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - Well Bosco probably missed us too.

7:26 MAS: Tamashii: Very sorry to hear that.

7:26 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - We had a new male member join us Christmas Day - his chat name is Rosco

7:27 MAS: Cricket: How did you suspect mine did? And why?

7:27 Tamashii: Bosco LOVES girls. He has a medallion that says "Babe Magnet!" :-)

7:27 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Just from things you described in chat & knowing how typical it is for mlcrs.

7:27 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - Like the commercials with guys meeting girls with doggies...

7:28 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Probably what you suspected in your advice earlier.

7:28 Plumcrazy: All I am going to go Goodnite TAKE CARE

7:28 Tamashii: Still: With regard to OP, when we take off the rose colored glasses, we realize it's been there all along.

7:29 MAS: Still: I’m still trying to process it all. The past 12 days have been very hard to handle.

7:29 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - After we've been there it's just something we realize. My H had no patience for men who were unfaithful. His Dad had affairs on his Mom and my H hated that and swore he never would. Still mlc makes them crazy

7:30 Still: I have asked him. He says that he has honored his marriage vows and that he has "interests" in several people that he would date if he were single. I felt that he was being open with me on his thoughts.

7:30 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - It's just that mlc makes these guys so insecure & they feel they are getting old, not attractive, have missed out on so much in life so they are VERY vulnerable to an OW. They often fight this, but it's very hard for them with the emotions they have in mlc

7:31 Tamashii: Crick: The girls never talk to me. They just pet Bosco!

7:31 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - An d he might be but as is typical with mlc, temptation is plaguing him. That's one more reason to work on the things Jim teaches, work on us & tr y to compliment our H's to help their ego.

7:32 Still: So they are willing to throw the people away who have spent decades loving them unconditionally for someone whose morals would allow them to have a relationship with a married man?

7:32 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - Well having seen Bosco's pix, he is a cutie and often they find it safe to meet people thru their pets.

7:33 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - They are struggling with temptation and depression. It's not that they don't care, but mlc is an illness

7:34 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - My H & I were together 28 yrs, we really were best friends before mlc hit. My H admitted he struggle with thoughts of suicide, he took meds for depression and finally decided that our marriage was the problem.

7:35 Still: I just hate hearing that this is almost always the case. I have told my H that he has no chains and can leave. He told me that he would not want to leave as "grass may not be greener" and it would only complicate things further.

7:35 Still: Is he still deep in the fog?

7:35 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - With your H home, there is a lot you can do to work on yourself & help your H work thru this.

7:36 Cricket [Facilitator]: My H divorced me, married the OW weeks later but has since divorced the OW and began reconnecting with me.

7:36 Swanlake: All - I need to sign off, see you all tomorrow afternoon.

7:37 Still: Cricket, I work on this daily. In fact, after an emotional discussion the other night. My H told me that he can't stand it that "I look at him with such care" and he feels only apathy for me. He says it makes him feel terrible.

7:37 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Now is the time to work on yourself and the things Jim teaches to help your H work thru his mlc.

7:37 MAS: Cricket: My H admitted that he went through a period of depression before he left, but he is fine now. Is that just one of the stages they go through?

7:38 Still: I am working on myself in all areas. I am stronger than ever....but mourning the loss of my relationship with my H. This has kicked me so hard it is incomprehensible.

7:38 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - These are good things but also work on the changes in you that Jim mentions, helping your H rebuild his self esteem in affirming him in specific way - do what you can to put excitement/romance back I marriage.

7:39 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Depression is a very typical phase they go thru. It usually comes back even after they leave when they begin to see reality.

7:39 Still: Cricket, My H will not let me touch him in any capacity. He says it will give me "hope" that things will work out and he is not sure they will. I hugged him on Thanksgiving and he acted like I assaulted him. We used to be very affectionate. Hurts...

7:39 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - They have such a fantasy of what life with the OP will be like. When they are sneaking around, it stays exciting. Once this is out in the open & reality hits, they realize the grass isn't green on the other side & in fact that grass has weeds in it!

7:40 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Have you watched the movie Fireproof? It really is good and deals with one part of couple working alone to save marriage.

7:40 MAS: Still: That is what is so hard to bear. The fact that you've spent half your life with this person, only to realize that they are willing to throw it all away because they feel they are missing out on things.

7:41 Still: Yes, I have seen. I have watched Caleb's Apology on YouTube numerous times. I have tried the Love Dare, but my H was not receptive to any of my efforts.

7:42 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS/STILL - It's that they are fighting depression, they can't figure out why they can't beat it. They convince themselves that the marriage is the problem & that if they leave us, they will be happy again. But they are running from their own issues & can't run from themselves.

7:42 Still: Everyone keeps saying an OP is just a symptom, but it is such a BIG symptom.

7:43 Tamashii: Still: Expectations must go to zero. You're hurt because you expected (hoped) he would respond in a familiar way and he didn't. And he won't. The more you press, the more he will pull away. Once you stop chasing, he will stop running.

7:43 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - The OP is a bandaid for their depression... they look for a quick fix and eventually find that this just adds to their problems.

7:43 Cricket [Facilitator]: All - We are way past closing time and need to wrap up. Remember we have chat tomorrow afternoon.

7:43 Still: I have heard many times that they can never outrun themselves. Like many of you, I believe my marriage was rock solid. Even though I can find things that may have been small issues, nothing should have led to "throwing the marriage away".

7:43 Tamashii: Still: But this happens over a long period of time.

7:44 Still: Thanks everyone. I appreciate all your insight. Have a good night.

7:44 Tamashii: God bless and Go Bucks! Rose Bowl Champs!

7:44 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Tamashii is right. The mlc process takes time, they are battling their feelings much before we realize it & they finally give in to it.

7:45 Cricket [Facilitator]: Tamashii - Again, we have missed you, stay in touch & Happy New Year

7:45 Still: Cricket, Yes I am learning all this. I am 21 months into this and have so much to learn.

7:45 Tamashii: Now I have a place to use my computer. Will do.

7:46 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Please take care of yourself, you have to get healthy. Part of what they run from is responsibility & stress. They are drawn to someone strong & who isn't needy so getting healthy back to getting stronger like you were will be a good draw for your H.

7:47 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - I will tell you that I learned so much from the people here & from Jim in chat. Do come back and let us support you.

7:47 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - You are doing so many good things, keep up the good work.

7:48 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - I’m sorry you had so much trouble with getting kicked off - Take care of yourself.

7:49 Cricket [Facilitator]: Good night.

7:49 Cricket [Facilitator]: Take Care MAS

7:51 MAS: Cricket: Thank you so much. I always appreciate your advice.

7:52 MAS: Have a wonderful night!

7:55 MAS: Yes, many computer issues last night and tonight. I hope it's not going to be an ongoing thing for me.

7:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: More of Jim's advice – “STAYER AND RUNNER” There are two people involved in the midlife crisis -- one is the person who wants to save it and the other is the one who wants to get away. The "stayer" is the one who needs to be willing to change. The "runner" is looking for excuses to get away and does not want to face any of their problems. So at the beginning of trying to restore the marriage we work with the "stayer" helping them to eliminate any areas that are causing problems. As the "runner" begins to show interest in returning, then we encourage the couple to get involved in marriage counseling so that the problems with both people can be resolved and the marriage can have a high probability of succeeding.

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud