Midlife Dimensions


July 4, 2008

[7/4 18:03] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Good evening everyone, welcome to Friday evening chat, we are here tonight from 6:00 to 8:00 pm. Happy 4th of July.


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[7/4 18:05] Jo [Facilitator]: Hello there!

[7/4 18:26] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Hello Hopes, welcome, glad you are here with us tonight. So far we are off to a slow start, probably because of the holiday, but we will be here until 8 pm Pacific Time

[7/4 18:30] Jo [Facilitator]: hopes - What brings you here? I hope you found some help on Jim Conway's web site.

[7/4 18:33] sbky: maybe I will be able to keep up tonight

[7/4 18:34] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: sbky - welcome, Happy 4th. the room is a little slow for now, which does make it easier to keep up with, I know sometimes I can get lost too.

[7/4 18:35] sbky: I don’t get lost so much as my pc won’t keep up.. I have dialup

[7/4 18:36] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: sbky - yes dial up does have that disadvantage, but we are glad you joined us.

[7/4 18:36] sbky: thank you

[7/4 18:39] sbky: I have recently joined the email list. I like getting emails and learning more about you guys

[7/4 18:42] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Do you know to use Reply All when you get one of the group emails, so everyone can get your response? This way we keep everyone in the loop.

[7/4 18:42] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: sbky - there is so much good information, encouragement and support in this group. The email part does allow for more than the chat room.

[7/4 18:43] sbky: yes

[7/4 18:45] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: I am beginning to hear fireworks here and my cats have already gone to their hiding places, in about 20 minutes I will get to see them from three different directions right from my window.

[7/4 18:45] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - When you respond to someone's email, it helps if you put their name (mine is Jo). That way we can see who has written to us, when there are lots of people writing to each other.

[7/4 18:46] sbky: ok

[7/4 18:47] Jo [Facilitator]: Swanlake - Wow, what a neat location you have! I can "hear" some of the fireworks from where I live.

[7/4 18:49] Jo [Facilitator]: Swanlake - As the evening wears on and more nearby folks are using fireworks the cats do get a little nervous. Used to have a dog who hated the high-pitched noise some of them make and her ears would hurt her.

[7/4 18:50] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Jo - are you allowed to have individual fireworks in Oregon? In California, no private fireworks allowed, only those done by professionals. Here, you can't go more than a mile before you see massive tents selling fireworks.

[7/4 18:51] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Do you receive the daily emails from Bob and Charlyne Steinkamp: Charlyne Cares. www.rejoiceministries.org will take you to where you can sign up.

[7/4 18:51] sbky: my son is dying for fireworks... but I don’t have any money and I don’t think h will either

[7/4 18:52] sbky: Jo. No I don’t get those yet

[7/4 18:52] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Jo - fireworks and thunder pretty much make my two cats disappear. They are both over 10 years old and lived in So Cal until 2006, so they are not used to these sounds, although, you would think they would start having been here two summers now.

[7/4 18:52] Jo [Facilitator]: Swanlake - Yes, we have those tents, also. Certain types of fireworks are forbidden here, though. There is a yearly show in almost every city here in So. Oregon. Ours is at the fairgrounds.

[7/4 18:55] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - You will get so much encouragement from their daily emails. They have a restored marriage, and they write from a Biblical perspective.

[7/4 18:55] sbky: we had fireworks with my family last night and I even told my h he was welcome to come, but he didn’t

[7/4 18:56] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Jo - I get to see the fireworks for the town just across the border in Arkansas (12 miles), there is a big event on the lake, boat parade, fireworks, etc. just down the road (1/2 mile) and then across the lake in Branson. It is kind of neat to watch them all. Branson also has two other firework events tomorrow night, so maybe I will see them too.

[7/4 18:57] Jo [Facilitator]: Swanlake - Wow, you are ideally located! Saves you gasoline and parking inconveniences.

[7/4 18:57] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Jo - I remember being in Medford at 4th one year, we went over to the river and watched fireworks. My dad wanted to take my son fishing, so we spent the day, step-mother packed a picnic, it was a fun day.

[7/4 18:59] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: sbky - it is good to invite them to events that children will be attending, even though they may not accept or show up, it continues to let them know they are still welcome and loved.

[7/4 18:59] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - It is common for these runaway spouses to avoid ordinary family get-togethers. We just need to keep our focus on loving unconditionally while they struggle with their sin/mlc problems.

[7/4 19:01] sbky: Jo, how do we know it is mlc, and that he just hasn’t fallen out of love?

[7/4 19:02] Jo [Facilitator]: Swanlake - My daughter's h's family likes to go to the coast (Brookings) each year for their annual fireworks at the ocean’s edge. I loved it, haven't been for a few years.

[7/4 19:03] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Jo - you had difficulty getting back into the room and it look like sbky is having difficulty staying in the room, could be the server, not your computer.

[7/4 19:06] Jo[Facilitator]: sbky - No matter what name we give it, our Lord will meet our needs and will be there when things with the prodigal don't go as planned.

[7/4 19:07] Jo [Facilitator]: Swanlake - You could have a point there about the server. Although, before chat I tried to send an email and my computer seemed to take "forever" sending it.

[7/4 19:08] sbky: this is nothing new to me. I always have problems in chat..

[7/4 19:10] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Do you find that you have found understanding regarding what is happening with your h, from Jim's website, the chats, Jim's books, and the book by Ed Wheat? I was so excited to find these resources. My Bible has been a great help, as was my pastor, who believes in covenant marriage. Does your pastor encourage you?

[7/4 19:11] sbky: Jo, this chat is the only thing I have read on this site. I did find a chat room that did help me a lot in the beginning

[7/4 19:12] Jo [Facilitator]: Hi Cindy - We were just talking about how Swanlake can see 3 fireworks shows from her windows. How neat is that?

[7/4 19:12] sbky: Jo, but that chat room does not always have encouraging people..

[7/4 19:13] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Which chat was that?

[7/4 19:14] sbky: it is midlifeforum.com

[7/4 19:14] sbky: Jo, it really saved me.. There are good people there but there are some who say move on.. give up on him

[7/4 19:14] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - If you look on Jim's website you'll see some helpful reading.

[7/4 19:14] CindyJ: Hi Jo and everyone....I was just outside watching. It's a cool night and I love it. I remember going to watch fireworks when it was so hot and humid.

[7/4 19:15] CindyJ: Jo, did you get my email?

[7/4 19:15] sbky: Jo, I do understand he is going through a lot. But it doesn’t always help the pain to know that he has said so much painful stuff, like I am nothing but the mother of his children, I know he isn’t himself but man there is so much damage done.

[7/4 19:17] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - I have found some very good books for .99 cents each at Goodwill and Salvation Army, and 2 copies of LOVE LIFE FOR EVERY MARRIED COUPLE, by Ed Wheat. The little book "How To Save Your Marriage Alone, by Ed Wheat is actually chapter 15 from the Love Life book.

[7/4 19:18] Jo [Facilitator]: Cindy - Yes, I did and I phoned her.

[7/4 19:18] CindyJ: Jo, good. I was concerned. How is she doing?

[7/4 19:19] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - It has helped me so much to have encouraging reading and the encouraging people in this chat so that I can look past the pain -- to trust in God's plan.

[7/4 19:21] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Good evening Yoli, how are you tonight?

[7/4 19:21] Jo [Facilitator]: Cindy - I was very encouraged; she was composed and thinking through what her options are. She called a local 24 hr vet service to ask questions re what kind of help they can offer. She's doing great, so far.

[7/4 19:22] CindyJ: All....it's also been a huge encouragement to watch what God is doing in Cricket's husband and life. Sometimes it "looks" hopeless but we're now "seeing" that it is not. God is ALWAYS working

[7/4 19:22] Yoli: Swanlake: Oh, hey, I'm okay, how are you? Not too many in chat tonight. I guess there's firework shows going on.

[7/4 19:23] CindyJ: Jo, I'm glad to hear that. I'm praying for her.

[7/4 19:23]Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - The script these sad men use is full of things which will hurt us. That's why you want to have helpful people who encourage and use the Bible as their foundation. We must build our life on "the rock," Jesus Christ, so that nothing said to us by a mere human can destroy our foundation.

[7/4 19:27] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - We have to think about how we will be able, with God's help, to forgive our spouse for these hurtful outbursts. Be grateful, my friend, that the chaos that is inside of them, is not in you. Seek peace and pray for the strength to forgive, in order to gain restoration of our family and marriage. Don't focus on the words of the betrayer; focus on the words of our Lord in His word.

[7/4 19:27] sbky: it is so hard to watch them.. My h's great uncle who lived next door died last fall. I had both my kids and his niece with me.. And he never even came to his own kids.. when they were so sad

[7/4 19:29] Jo [Facilitator]: Cindy - I have been sharing the serial installments of Cricket's story with my children. God is working!

[7/4 19:31] CindyJ: sbky, at 19:27....that's because they are very selfish right now and he probably didn't realize the kids needed him. I think they tend to think that kids are strong and resilient and they'll be just fine. While he's not there for them right now...y

[7/4 19:31] CindyJ: you are.

[7/4 19:31] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Do you realize his mind is not working as it used to, before all of this began to happen? He may think about doing something like helping his children, but then he'll go on to the next big moment in his fantasy life and lose the moment. I told my grandchildren that he was having some problems which were taking a lot of time to solve, but that he did love them.

[7/4 19:31] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Cheyanne - hey lady, how are you doing tonight, glad you have joined us

[7/4 19:32] cheyanne: hi ladies, I am tired tonight but wanted to come say HI

[7/4 19:33] cheyanne: all I went and saw the “Get Smart” Movie

[7/4 19:33] sbky: Cindy I was thankful that they knew I was there.. Even his niece came to me.. her mother always spoiled her.. I always made her mind but she seems to know how much I love her.. she is 8

[7/4 19:33] CindyJ: cheyanne, how was it? I'd like to see it.

[7/4 19:33] Yoli: Jo: Hey, how are you?

[7/4 19:33] cheyanne: all I thought it was good...just good entertainment , no big thinking and nothing raunchy

[7/4 19:34] cheyanne: Cindy, its worth seeing, I think of it has a feel good movie, with action and funny too

[7/4 19:34] Yoli: cheyanne: Was the movie good? My daughter liked it but then she never saw the original series.

[7/4 19:35] Jo [Facilitator]: Yoli - I'm good, just doing all the last minute things before my son's wedding on 7/12. Time just flies by.

[7/4 19:35] cheyanne: Cindy, that Ann Hathway actress....what a knockout..and her looks are not typical or common at all

[7/4 19:35] sbky: Jo, I do realize his mind isn’t working. But what will get it working again.. he seems to just be doing anything so he doesn’t have to think

[7/4 19:35] cheyanne: Yoli, I really can barely remember the originals series myself....probably not that I’m not old enough just bad memory

[7/4 19:36] CindyJ: sbky, yes they do know that. My sister has some grandchildren who are out of control because their mother lets them do anything they want and she makes them mind and they love going to grandma's. Discipline is a good thing!! Like the Bible says.

[7/4 19:36] Yoli: Jo: I didn't realize he was getting married. I haven't been on chat as much as I used to. Just run out of time. Tonight I went to church just to sit there & pray. Got home about 5 minutes ago. Decided to see what chat was about.

[7/4 19:36] CindyJ: Cheyanne, I really like the guy...from The Office....don't remember his name right now. He's so funny.

[7/4 19:37] Yoli: cheyanne: I think daughter likes Steve Correll (sp?) so movie was good for her.

[7/4 19:37] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - What if your h's doc told you he had (whatever illness) and that it would take several years of medications, therapy, etc before he would begin to be himself again. Would you say "years"???, I have to wait "years" for him to get better??

[7/4 19:39] sbky: Jo. No. and I do look at it like an illness.. and this is part of the for better or worse in my vows

[7/4 19:39]Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - I would imagine you'd take the doctor's advice and be patient until your h started to get well. It's like that. There is no magic bullet, nothing for you to say to turn the corner overnight. Only God has that ability.

[7/4 19:40] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Do you know that God will use this time to work on you, so that you've been improved, pruned, and made into the woman and wife HE meant for you to be? Choose to trust HIS timetable, He is the great physician.

[7/4 19:41] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Cheyanne - isn't it interesting how Hollywood is making movies out of old television series, even those from simple times...wonder when Father Knows Best - the Movie or maybe Hazel - Back when families were just that and everyone respected each other.

[7/4 19:42] sbky: Jo.. Yes I do know about working on me and I really feel me and my h needed this time apart..

[7/4 19:42] Yoli: Swanlake: I hope they don't remake Father's Knows Best, where are they going to find another Ricky Nelson?

[7/4 19:43] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Yes, you've got it, this is part of what we agreed to when we said our vows. Good for you.

[7/4 19:45] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Yoli - Yeah, Ozzie and Harriet would be good too, even without Dave and Ricky Nelson!

[7/4 19:45] Jo [Facilitator]: Swanlake - If they ever make a Father Knows Best: the movie, I hope they don't mess it up. You are right about things being more simple, and respectful. My family and my h's family had quite a few of those aspects. Only people who hate tradition and God's plan would not appreciate the good that was in those old family programs. We all knew it wasn't that way in everyone's home, but we all had a little of it.

[7/4 19:47] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Jo - Imagine the trouble "the Beaver" would get into these days - scary!!!!

[7/4 19:47] Yoli: Swanlake: boy was I wrong. Ricky was on Ozzie & Harriet. I'm losing my mind in my old age.

[7/4 19:48] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Think about how you can affirm your h for something he meant to you or your children, or to the whole family. Make a little list for yourself. Look for opportunities to slip a little encouragement into any "future conversations" you may have. It may be awhile but BE READY. Ask God to help you.

[7/4 19:48] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Hello and welcome vsingh - how are you tonight?

[7/4 19:49] vsingh: hi all

[7/4 19:50] sbky: Jo, I am not sure what you mean

[7/4 19:50] vsingh: Cindy and swan: I just had someone over. He said his father left his mom in mlc after 23 yrs of marriage, married ow and with her 25 years, he said he’s happy with ow. I thought God would not bless a marriage with ow?

[7/4 19:50] vsingh: Hi Jo

[7/4 19:51] vsingh: all: he said his father left mom at that typical age of 41

[7/4 19:52] vsingh: It just makes me said if it works with ow because that goes against God's wishes

[7/4 19:53] vsingh: I had to see ow today. I did not talk to her. I parked some distance away and my son walked to her

[7/4 19:54] Yoli: vsingh: I’ve told you about my sister right? She stood for her 2nd husband to come back & after 12 yrs he did. Well her 1st husband, after 23 yrs, also wants to come back to her. He also asked for forgiveness. His divorce from 2nd wife will be final

[7/4 19:54] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Whenever I get a chance to talk to my h I look for a chance to remind him of a time when he did something to make a difference to our family. If he's talking about the dogs (where he is) I thank him for making sure each of our children had a dog to sleep on their bed. [Once one of them had a dog, of course the others wanted one, also. He was in favor of this and did not complain about having 3 dogs in the house.]

[7/4 19:55] Yoli: vsingh: cont.-in 1 week. Everyone thought his marriage to 2nd wife was good. But obviously it wasn't. Isn't that sad, but interesting.

[7/4 19:55] vsingh: yoli: did her first h leave because of mlc

[7/4 19:55] sbky: Jo..Ok

[7/4 19:56] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: vsingh - his father is guilty of the same adultery as the ow and just because his father proclaims to be happy, he may not be. It is hard for people to admit they destroyed so many lives and it was a mistake. To be honest, sometimes people who are deep in sin appear to have it all, but the fact is they have lost their blessings from God unless they repent. And on the Day of Judgment this man's father and the other woman will stand before God and just like all the rest of us, they will have to answer for their sins.

[7/4 19:56] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Another time I told him that I would never forget the time he spent helping our son learn to ride his unicycle. It gave him so much confidence. He was a "little" boy all through elementary school and could not compete, sometimes.

[7/4 19:57] Yoli: vsingh: He told her he didn't want to be married even though they had daughter. He told her that if she had just waited about 5 yrs, he would have remarried her. He told her that he still loved her after all these years.

[7/4 19:57] vsingh: thanks swan: I though any seed born out of sin cannot bear fruit

[7/4 19:58] vsingh: all: It was hard to see ow with h and my son, but I am getting better at it

[7/4 19:58] cheyanne: swan are you going to covenant keepers thing in July

[7/4 20:00] Yoli: All: Thanks. Maybe I'll be around on Sunday.

[7/4 20:01] cheyanne: goodnight all, I am so tired hope you have a good weekend

[7/4 20:01] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - His unicycle made him feel like he could do something unique. During high school he got to ride his unicycle in parades when our square dance group was showing off. I told my h he made a big difference in son's situation, until he caught up (in size) with the other boys.

[7/4 20:02] sbky: Jo,that sounds like a good idea

[7/4 20:02] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: vsingh - we are always faced with two paths, the narrow and the wide, the path that leads to God and the path of the world. God will provide light, flashing neon if we need to His path, but many don't follow it because it is much harder than the wide path of sin. The Bible says the Godly bear good fruit and the ungodly bear bad fruit, this fruit is not what the eyes of the world see it to be, but what is good and evil to God.

[7/4 20:02] CindyJ: Good night everyone! I've been half into chat and half into the fireworks. Now I'm tired. Make it a great weekend!!

[7/4 20:03] sbky: all thanks for the advice.. Night all

[7/4 20:03] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Cheyanne - Not this year, since I am not working yet I need to watch my finances and concentrate my time on filling out apps, doing interviews, etc.

[7/4 20:04] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - When h asks me questions (about the children, etc.) I try to use something he says to let him know we love him and miss him. Keep it short and to the point; I think it's best if you get a hint from something he says to know what you might mention, to affirm him.

[7/4 20:04] vsingh: all: thanks: may you all join me in prayer that God works on our spouses and breaks their immoral union to do glory to his name

[7/4 20:05] sbky: Jo, me and h do not talk much. very very little

[7/4 20:05] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Goodnight all, please join us again Sunday evening at 6pm pacific time,

[7/4 20:06] Jo [Facilitator]: sbky - Ask the Lord to give you times, in His timing, in the future. Pray to be ready.

[7/4 20:07] Jo [Facilitator]: vsingh - I will pray with you. See you on the Sunday night chat.

[7/4 20:08] Jo [Facilitator]: Good night friends. Wow, 2 hours just flew by! Blessings to all.

[7/4 18:03] Swanlakejgs [Facilitator]: Good evening everyone, welcome to Friday evening chat, we are here tonight from 6:00 to 8:00 pm. Happy 4th of July.

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud