Midlife Dimensions


Mother's Day - 5/9/10

6:44 Still: Cricket/Joey: Even though it has been over 2 years, it still feels so surreal. He isn't mean, but he is withdrawn, non-communicative, and working himself ragged. I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I just keep giving him space, but I fear it will ultimately make things worse. I just don't know. I feel that I am perpetuating the idea that "we have nothing in common" just out of inability to find common ground. Does that make sense?

6:47 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Yes it makes sense. It's good to give him space, but still affirm him when you can. Invite him to join you as you have but don't take it personally when he declines. He is seeing your changes even when he doesn't comment. This is a process they have to go thru pretty much on their own


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CR#1 Sunday, 09 May 2010, 6-7 pm PST


6:01 Swanlake: Hello everyone, how are you tonight?

6:01 sadwife1: Hi. I probably can't stay but wanted to check in and say hi

6:02 MAS: Hi everyone.

6:02 sadwife1: I hope everyone's situations have been blessed since I've been on last. I will keep everyone in my prayers.

6:03 MAS: Thank you, sadwife.

6:03 sbky: hello everyone

6:03 MAS: Hello, sbky.

6:04 MAS: Hello, Still.

6:05 Still: Hi MAS, how are you tonight?

6:05 MAS: brb phone call.

6:05 Bluesky1: Hi all, Happy Mother’s day to all.

6:05 Bluesky1: sadwife, how is your situation?

6:05 Bluesky1: oh bummer, she left

6:06 Bluesky1: Cricket, thank you, thank you, for you know what

6:08 Bluesky1: all,. My daughter is making s'mores cupcakes, heavenly.

6:08 bethel: hi all

6:08 Still: Blue that sounds wonderful! My kids made me cupcakes today, too.

6:08 Still: Hi bethel.

6:09 Bluesky1: bethel, hi, whoo hoo, you have been in my thoughts for days

6:09 Snickerdoodle: Hi all, Happy Mother's Day!

6:09 Still: Hi Snickerdoodle.

6:09 bethel: blue. I've been thinking of you. Almost called you

6:09 Bluesky1: Still, I have to laugh because technically they aren't for me, she is trying out cupcake recipes for her graduation party

6:10 Still: Blue, sounds like you will benefit either way!

6:10 Bluesky1: bethel, almost? ahhh maybe another time. I take it you are out and about? How are you?

6:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - I hope you're feeling better tonight.

6:10 bethel: blue, busy with work and d

6:10 Bluesky1: Still, unfortunately I will. I am worse than she is at needing to lick the bowls, h

6:11 bethel: blue, what's new with you?

6:11 Bluesky1: Cricket, I am now that I am here. Thank you. I will write later.

6:12 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - I'm glad. Don't let the enemy attack you.

6:12 Still: Cricket, a little, but I saw your message.

6:12 Bluesky1: Snicker, how are you? Did you get to be with your baby girl today?

6:12 bethel: all, I really could use some prayers. H has offered settlement. Up to now he has been stalling

6:12 Bluesky1: Cricket, thanks, I'm trying. I went to the chapel today for an hour too.

6:12 Still: Bethel, you definitely have my prayers.

6:13 Snickerdoodle: Blue: I had a wonderful Mother's Day with my 3 daughters and grandbaby. My son called to give me a perfect Mother's Day present. He and his wife are expecting their first baby in Dec. been married 6 years.

6:13 Bluesky1: bethel, oh darn, what’s been going on?

6:14 Still: Snickerdoodle, how exciting!

6:14 bethel: thanks still. H has been a "jerk" through entire process. But with his settlement offer, I think the end is near

6:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - Please remember that holidays, Mother's Day included, are difficult for us. This is very normal.

6:14 Bluesky1: Snicker, oh my gosh, you have another one on the way too? How wonderful, my kids have cousins the same age and it has been great.

6:14 Snickerdoodle: Blue, the news made me cry in front of the kids, I so wanted my H to be there to share this with us. This should be the sweetest time of our lives. I hate Satan - he is robbing us. My son got a lot of pressure from his sister - seems to have worked!

6:15 Bluesky1: Cricket, you know I always seem fine and then it sneaks up on me, I was surprised. I was actually fine until he emailed.

6:15 Still: Cricket, I was very prepared for a bad day. My oldest took my two youngest shopping and they made cupcakes... the most wonderful cards very representative of all three. No words or anything from my H, but I was very much at peace.

6:15 Bluesky1: Joey, Cricket, well, what good distractions you are. How funny.

6:16 Bluesky1: bethel, what do you think you are going to do next?

6:16 bethel: all, does anyone have any ideas what to say to h once d is over. I've been thinking about if I want to say something to him or not. He has not spoken to me since Oct

6:16 Bluesky1: Cricket, I did that. Or we could all leave here and go there LOL except for that fact that chat is working and we wouldn't want to jinx it.

6:17 Cricket [Facilitator]: Bethel - We will all pray with you. I know this is hard but remember some have to do this to find out it isn't the answer. Mine had to.

6:17 Joey [Facilitator]: sorry guys I heard the trap snap for my unwelcomed guest and had to put it out side!

6:17 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snickerdoodle - WOW - That is a wonderful Mother's Day Gift. I'm happy for you.

6:18 Cricket [Facilitator]: Bethel - It's like many have to work them into being a jerk to go thru with the D. Then reality hits them.

6:18 Snickerdoodle: bethel, I would just pray that the holy spirit gives you the right words. I told my H that I loved him, I forgave him and I released him and I hoped he would find the happiness he was looking for (knowing full well there is no happiness apart from a right relationship with God.)

6:18 Bluesky1: Joey, oh, ugh. that is right up there to me with finding a rabbit in m y pool

6:18 bethel: cricket, thanks. Our Lord has told me that he has to go through this. I'm beginning to have my doubts

6:18 sbky: all my h spent the day next door with family. I was over there most of the day. we ate supper I made steak and baked potatoes.. it is weird. it feels more relaxed.. but still weird..

6:19 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Yes our H's have a hard time acknowledging Mother's Day as it is such a connection with them. Many memories go with that so they often avoid acknowledging it.

6:19 Joey [Facilitator]: SD, congrats!!!! that’s wonderful

6:19 Bluesky1: bethel, prayers friend. As to what to say. How is he with "I love you", the door is open and the light will be on.

6:20 Bluesky1: Snicker, when my h left, I said, I hope he finds what he is looking for too.

6:20 Joey [Facilitator]: Bethel, mine never said anything and the first time after the "d" when he came over he brought his mom with him.

6:20 sbky: blue I said " well I said I hope what you are leaving for is what you left behind"

6:20 bethel: snicker, I wonder if I even want to say something. He told me, the judge, and his cousin , he is moving out of state in June. Court date is end of May

6:21 Still: Cricket, I told H I had purchased cards for his mom and grandma. I wasn't sure if that would irritate him. He said, "oh thanks" and then went to visit them alone. A little weird as we would always go as a family in the past. I was okay with it though

6:21 Cricket [Facilitator]: Bethel/Snicker - Yes many of them have to pursue a D as they are searching for a quick fix. In time they find that a D didn't bring happiness & their depression is still with them.

6:21 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snicker - I think what you told your H was perfect.

6:21 sbky: all as far as I know I am the only one that got my mil something. my h and d didn’t that I have seen

6:22 Bluesky1: bethel, well I know one thing. your guardian angel will be with you.

6:22 Joey [Facilitator]: sbky, that’s good she know you love her!

6:22 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - You showed your H unconditional love and that you didn't smother him, gave him space to do what he needed to do. Very good. I'm sure he noticed this.

6:22 Snickerdoodle: I took flowers over to my MIL first time I'd been there alone with her. She cried. Told me she missed me and she loved me and I could come anytime I wanted.

6:23 sbky: all I know I am blessed with my relationship with my mil..

6:23 Snickerdoodle: cricket: I don't take credit for it.

6:23 bethel: cricket, 6:21 I'm praying the depression becomes deeper. I was disappointed with last nite. Since we do not have kids, I prayed that the OW kids' would draw her back to her own family, How selfish it that?

6:24 Joey [Facilitator]: SD, how special and a blessing!!!!

6:24 Still: Cricket, Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really did feel that I did the right thing. I have been happy all day and I just let that shine.

6:24 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snicker - Yes my MIL has really gone through a lot of pain in this too. At first she tried to be supportive of her son (my H) but told me she loved me and wanted me to move on. After a while, she saw the truth about the OW and realized my H was really lost. Then she told me I'd always be family & that her son & my SIL just had to deal with it. They are hurting too.

6:24 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snicker - Yes the Lord gave you the words.

6:25 bethel: blue, I've been looking for my angel. He always shows up before when I'm at my lowest

6:25 Snickerdoodle: Joey; I debated on whether to go see her because I don’t want to upset her. But I think we needed to grieve together.

6:25 Cricket [Facilitator]: sbky - YES you really are in that your in-laws have never shut you out. Many do as they feel they have to support their son/D.

6:25 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - How are you today. Did you hear from your D?

6:25 Joey [Facilitator]: SD, YES!!!!!!!!!! that created a bond between just the two of you.

6:26 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snicker - It was really good that you did. Just be careful not to say too much about your H or his actions. We don't want to ever put them in the middle.

6:27 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - Are you on the phone?

6:28 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - I wanted to ask that we all pray for the people & the situation in the gulf region. This is so tragic what is happening. This not only means the livelihood of so many there, but the food source for the poor and just has a much greater affect than we can imagine.

6:28 MAS: Cricket: Hi, Cricket. I just got off the phone. Had a call from my best friend overseas. Yes, my D, SIL and I all drove over to my mother's house for a few hours this afternoon. My H called while we were there but he didn't come over.

6:29 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - A friend who grew up in that area has been so saddened that there hasn't been the outpouring of prayers, support & concern for this disaster.

6:29 MAS: Cricket: How was YOUR day?

6:29 Bluesky1: Cricket, are you speaking of the oil spill? Oh the sea animals too.

6:29 Joey [Facilitator]: MAS, that’s good that he called.

6:29 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - That is wonderful. Some in our group have had no contact at all and haven't had as much support from family. This is a real blessing, I am glad.

6:30 Still: Cricket/Joey/Swan, Do any of you know of anyone here that has gone through their spouse's MLC with them remaining at home the whole time? It would be nice to talk with someone who has the same situation.

6:30 Joey [Facilitator]: if anyone needs encouragement and even while on the computer, listen to K-Love at www.klove.com

6:30 Bluesky1: bethel, are you saying you want your h's depression to deepen? So the ow won't deal with it?

6:31 Bluesky1: MAS, glad to hear you d spent time with you. Praises!

6:31 Joey [Facilitator]: Still, there is one who's h left for a short time and moved back for the kids but has lived out MLC at home.

6:31 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - My new kitten has been cuddling and the older kitty is warming up to her more too. A nice Mother's Day gift for me. My day has been church this morning. I went to a restaurant that is like family to me and then home with my kitties.

6:32 Joey [Facilitator]: Cricket, have loved the pixs on FB!

6:32 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - I believe Plum's H has been home the whole time and I think there is someone else as well.

6:32 MAS: Cricket: I'm learning to take everything as it comes right now...just one day at a time. I realize that's really all we can do at this point. I strongly believe that if I can survive this, I can survive almost anything.

6:32 Joey [Facilitator]: Cricket, I was thinking of Blindfaith

6:32 bethel: blue, I think for h's depression to deepen so he has to deal wtih it

6:33 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joey - It was funny that a couple friends sent me messages asking for more pix. Several from my church commented on them today.

6:33 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joey/Still - YES you're right. Blindfaith is another.

6:33 Still: MAS at 6:32 that is a great way to look at things. You will be stronger through it all.

6:34 MAS: Cricket@6:32: You mean there is an OW?

6:34 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - That's exactly the right way. One day at a time while trusting Him with all of it.

6:34 Still: Cricket/Joey, I don't think I have ever met Blindfaith. I am assuming from the lack of people with the same situation, it isn't a typical one.

6:35 MAS: Still: Thank you. I think we all will.

6:35 Joey [Facilitator]: 6:34 MAS: she meant another member but yes, there was AW's

6:35 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS - No, as far as I know there is no OW in Plum's situation. Nor is there one in Still's situation. HOWEVER Blindfaith's H has stayed home & there has been an OW in his life

6:36 Joey [Facilitator]: 6:34 Still: she's soooo busy she can't make chats but is still standing but doing our Father's business wide open!

6:36 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Blindfaith is one of our original members. She has three sons. She hasn't been in chat for quite a while due to being super busy.

6:36 MAS: Cricket: Oh, I see.

6:37 Still: All, I found a list of ranked emotional needs that my H and I completed about a year and half ago in MC (before I knew about MLC). He had ranked his needs. #1 was commitment to family....I viewed it so differently than I did back then it was as if God gave me a different view and I could see the good in that when I couldn't then.

6:37 Cricket [Facilitator]: Sill - It isn't as common although Jim Conway stayed home during his mlc. However, I wonder if there are more of these cases and that the standing spouse doesn't find our group because H is home

6:38 Snickerdoodle: when did the chat start?

6:39 Joey [Facilitator]: 6:38 Snickerdoodle: I think it was 2003

6:39 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snicker - Jim& his wife Sally created this group about 9 yrs ago

6:39 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joey - No it was before that. I came in 2003.

6:39 Joey [Facilitator]: chat started after the ministry

6:40 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joey - Okay - I knew there was a retreat a year before I joined our group

6:40 Still: Cricket, I have actually seen other forums where people have stated that they are not LBS's because their H's are home. I definitely feel like an LBS even though my H is here. He has emotionally estranged himself from me for 15 months.

6:41 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snicker - Jim started Midlife Dimensions in 2001 or 2002. There was a small group of people at first. The first retreat was in 2002.

6:41 Swanlake: Cricket - I came in 2005 and retreat that year was the third retreat, don't know when the retreats started with the chat itself

6:41 Joey [Facilitator]: Still, I know what it was like for 6 months, mine nerves were shot.

6:42 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - I agree with you. He left emotionally

6:42 bethel: all, I have to go. Please pray for me to evaluate the settlement offer in terms of providing and protecting myself and not a revengeful act and h will accept it as that

6:43 Joey [Facilitator]: Bethel - we cover you in the Blood of Jesus and ask that the Holy Spirit lead u in all His way.

6:43 sbky: all I found this place after h had been gone after about a year

6:44 Bluesky1: bethel, I understand what you are saying. I will pray for the same. Hope to see you back here soon. Hang in there.

6:44 Cricket [Facilitator]: Bethel - Yes we are praying with you and I'm sure you will feel His presence.

6:44 bethel: thanks all, good nite

6:44 Still: Cricket/Joey: Even though it has been over 2 years, it still feels so surreal. He isn't mean, but he is withdrawn, non-communicative, and working himself ragged. I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I just keep giving him space, but I fear it will ultimately make things worse. I just don't know. I feel that I am perpetuating the idea that "we have nothing in common" just out of inability to find common ground. Does that make sense?

6:45 Bluesky1: Cricket, oh you got to be celebrating Mothers Day due to the kitties. I love hearing about the sweet lil thing. If I keep hearing about her, I may succumb.

6:45 Cricket [Facilitator]: sbky - Luckily I found Jim within a couple months of my H leaving. I'd already found Jim's book before my H left so it really helped me handle things better. Actually my H even found the book totally on his own about 2 months before he left. He finished reading the book 2 months after he left.

6:46 Joey [Facilitator]: 6:44 Still: dig into your prayer closet, ask God to show you what you need to do, try to be his girlfriend/friend less pressure - its hard though.

6:46 Bluesky1: Joey, Cricket, Swan, I think my h may have opened a credit card account in his own name, our finances are still joint. So I don't know where he is funding it. Should I ask or is that pressure?

6:47 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Yes it makes sense. It's good to give him space, but still affirm him when you can. Invite him to join you as you have but don't take it personally when he declines. He is seeing your changes even when he doesn't comment. This is a process they have to go thru pretty much on their own

6:47 Joey [Facilitator]: Blue, I may go buy a fish for a pet.

6:47 Still: Joey, I do try to keep things light. Try only talk about the fun things, but he doesn't ever seem to enjoy conversation with me. We used to be able to talk for hours about nothing.

6:47 Joey [Facilitator]: Blue, I wouldn't ask.

6:48 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - NO Don't ask. What would it accomplish. It's actually good that he hasn't commented.

6:48 Bluesky1: Still, my h is working himself ragged too. I can relate, oh and he says we have nothing in common too. But you know what, we had the same interests before we married. So why is it a problem now? I am indoors, he is outdoors. go figure

6:48 Swanlake: BlueSky - His first comment to you if you ask might be that you were snooping into his stuff, invading his privacy and it could start one heck of a fight. I wouldn’t ask.

6:48 Joey [Facilitator]: Still, just keep keeping on.....he's at a bad place.

6:49 Still: Cricket thanks. I guess I have worried that I have given him so much space that he realizes I don't "fit" anymore at all. I just needed affirmation that it was still part of the process.

6:49 Snickerdoodle: My husband said we had nothing in common and we just grew apart, fell out of love.

6:49 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - Whenever you think about a question, ask yourself what will come from it. Many things (emotionally) they don't know how they feel & it changes day to day. Other questions, only hurt to ask. I noticed my H looking at ad's for condos before he moved out. There was no point in my asking, all I could do was pray.

6:49 Bluesky1: Joey, hahaha

6:49 MarySarah: Happy mothers' day all No matter what, we all mother the world!

6:50 Joey [Facilitator]: SD, that’s a COMMON statement. right out of the script, we've all got it.

6:50 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Yes it is part of the process. He knows you'd love to have him join you or you join him but you love him enough to give him space. Your attitude is important too. It shows you care. You care enough to not push

6:50 Swanlake: Snickerdoodle - could you still do things that you and your husband have in common without him, he will eventually notice as he begins to peek out of the MLC tunnel.

6:50 Snickerdoodle: Joey: there is comfort in knowing it is a common statement.

6:51 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snicker - Yes my H said we lost our connection and that he loved me but not IN LOVE. Typical mlc talk

6:51 Still: Blue, It is so hard to watch them give so much to everything else, isn't it? I often think if my H would put a tiny portion of what he gives to his job to our M, things would be so different. Then, I remember he has to make this full journey.

6:51 Joey [Facilitator]: 6:50 Snickerdoodle: they say so much to the same thing, it’s scary.

6:51 MarySarah: Joey 6:50 satan's script for our H's & the ow all attend the same school of the jezebel spirit too. It's all deception & destruction all around. Praying our H's get sick of it, sort of like the movie ground hog day, LOL

6:51 Cricket [Facilitator]: Snicker - We used to joke here that we think the enemy must play a tape in their head at night with a script because they all seem to say the same things.

6:51 Snickerdoodle: Joey: well we all know who wrote the script!

6:52 Joey [Facilitator]: MS, speaking of that movie, my H really liked that movie!

6:52 MAS: Still: My H also said that we had nothing in common....this after 26 years of marriage.

6:52 Swanlake: Snickerdoodle - we call it the MLC script and believe me they all seem to be given a copy, there are so many things they all say that are almost word for word and they don't even know each other.

6:52 Bluesky1: Joey, Cricket, Swan, wow, you are all on the same page. So even though it is my money too, it is not my business because we are apart? Obviously, it is so I don't know what he is doing.

6:53 Bluesky1: Swan, I get what you are all saying, but is it snooping when I am checking our charge accounts and don't see the flower charge for his Mom?

6:53 MarySarah: Still 6:51 I think that is the hardest thing for me too. I felt I was what my H needed to change his life from the bad childhood life he had, I don't feel I was enough & all his hobbies & jobs were everything & now ow is everything I felt I was waiting for my turn for just a little, it is very hard

6:53 Joey [Facilitator]: 6:52 Bluesky1: not that it’s not your business, he'll take your question as pressure and pull away and you don't want that.

6:53 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - Sometime it's a thing of finding their own independence. My H wanted to establish his own checking account before he moved out. It's really good & unusual that your H left but kept finances together.

6:53 Bluesky1: Swan, okay, it is not snooping but he may feel it is.

6:54 Still: MAS, my H actually told my MIL that we had nothing in common. He told me that he cared about me, but was no longer "in love" and hadn't been for a very long time. I can't believe how much those words hurt me....just crushing.

6:54 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - When your H left, was there any legal separation or financial agreement?

6:55 Swanlake: BlueSky – Well now, I would say it depends on who you ask if it is snooping to be looking at the charge for flowers for his mother. I mean, again he isn’t going to see how his charging flowers for his mother as any part of your concern, and he could accuse you of actually being looking for flower charges for someone else under the disguise of concern for did he or didn’t he send his mother flowers. Better not to open that can of worms.

6:55 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan/Blue - I would think that if her H opened the credit card account in his name only, she wouldn't be responsible, but good to know I guess

6:55 Joey [Facilitator]: 6:54 Still: still & MAS - still a common statement!

6:55 Swanlake: BlueSky - even if you got a phone call from the company asking you questions and you didn't seek this information in any way, once confronted, he will most likely use "snooping" as a defense. It is their way of putting the blame back on us and trying to confuse the issue

6:55 Bluesky1: Still, yes, I have felt that way too. If he would give to our M what is given elsewhere.

6:56 MAS: Still: My H always gave more to his job than to our marriage. I used to feel that he was married to his work ...It was much like his mistress.

6:56 Still: MarySarah, I didn't see you come in. How are you?

6:56 MarySarah: All I ended up picking son up to see him for Mother's day & son had card he signed from all kids. S said his dad got 2 for S to pick from & give to me. It is sweet, flowers & my favorite color, but it's hard to believe. I am crying thinking about it is scary to hope in such little things

6:56 Snickerdoodle: MAS: I felt that way for years. Our marriage never came first, business first

6:56 Swanlake: Cricket - unless your state is equal community property, then everything is linked to one another and if he stops payment, the credit company can go to her for payment unless there is something legal to prevent it.

6:57 Bluesky1: Cricket, nope.

6:58 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Makes sense I guess. I was thinking since they are separated and the credit card (if there is one) is in his name only, she may not be responsible but still something to know.

6:58 Still: MarySarah, at 6:56, that is wonderful!

6:58 MarySarah: MAS I think it felt like everything was their mistress I even told H he forgot I was woman & he didn't understand that...I had to explain I desired some excitement & not to be the ball & chain, the "mommy & wifey" forever...I wanted to be girlfriend

6:59 MarySarah: Still 6:58 You really think so?

6:59 Swanlake: Bluesky - that's right, I keep confusing you with someone else (as I have told you before) and she is in different state from husband. Sorry!

6:59 MAS: Still: Those words hurt a lot...They cut like a knife. But believe me when I say... that most of us, if not all of us, have heard those very same words, or at least something very similar. My H said, "I love you, but not like a husband loves a wife."

6:59 Bluesky1: Cricket, I was actually wondering since I don't know about it, if I would be liable. Also, why did you say it was good that he didn’t' comment on it?

7:00 Still: MarySarah, It sounds positive to me. You didn't think so?

7:00 Cricket [Facilitator]: MAS /MarySarah - I have to say that my H & I did everything together. We worked together & enjoyed same sports & activities. That was something he later complained about but he used to feel good we enjoyed the same things. In MLC he decided it was smothering

7:00 MAS: MarySarah: How are you? How was your Mother's Day?

7:01 Swanlake: Cricket - one of the families I mentored in the budget mentoring I do, thought she was safe from her husband's credit problems because he had moved out and was living with the other woman, spending like water in a leaking funnel. When he stopped paying, she found out she was liable, we connected her with a lawyer and after nine months of court dates and stress, it was finally settled. But it was a hard road for her to go through.

7:01 MarySarah: ALL since we're on subject of them marrying their work, feeling overwhelmed & trapped sort of thing what about those crazy things we did for/with them & how we tried hold their hands, dance, flirt...do they remember??????

7:01 Bluesky1: all, speaking of movies, I saw that Fireproof was on TV yesterday. So look for it.

7:01 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - Because he didn't comment, it feels like it's something he is testing for himself. He didn't talk about divorce or dividing assets.

7:01 MAS: MarySarah@6:56 that is wonderful, MarySarah!! PTL!!

7:02 Still: Cricket, My H and I did like a lot of the same things, but we had many different interests as well. I always thought we complemented each other. I was his cheerleader for sporting events. I was indoors, he was outdoors. Both love to travel, etc.

7:02 Joey [Facilitator]: Blue, have it and watched it not too long ago!

7:02 Cricket [Facilitator]: MarySarah - If you are talking about things we did when mlc hit. They often feel we only did those things because they were leaving. That it was too late for us to reach out then, etc. They re-write history

7:03 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Good to know.

7:03 MarySarah: Cricket 7:00 that's good to hear different perspective, I wonder if I had been with him more like ow, my H had too much independence & acts like now he wants more together time with ow, but pushed me aside when I asked for small amounts of time

7:03 Bluesky1: Still, we sound alike. I was a cheerleader for him too. But not in reverse. I see it now.

7:03 Swanlake: Cricket and MarySarah - @7:02 that is where the "too little too late" script by them comes in.

7:03 MarySarah: Mas 7:00 good, & you?

7:04 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Yes our friends always thought my H was lucky as we did enjoy the same thing and that I was his best friend. They were shocked when my H hit mlc.

7:04 MAS: MarySarah/Snickerdoodle: That's what hurts the most, I think. The fact that while we were together, my H's work came first. And now that we're separated, he gives much of his time to the OW.

7:04 MarySarah: Cricket yeah I guess we didn't know what was going on in their brains & really longed for time, but they saw it differently

7:04 Still: Blue, My H used to cheer for me for all that I did. When I would give up on something i.e... never finished my PhD.), he was never critical. Until MLC, then he spewed all his frustrations out. YIKES.

7:05 Swanlake: Cricket - sadly even though she didn't want to do it, she had to file for divorce to protect her and the kids, it was such a mess and her husband actually said to her, why didn't you pay the credit card payments, that's why I give you child support. only thing is the credit cards were used for trips and gifts for the other woman, nothing for the kids. MLC thinking!!

7:05 Bluesky1: Cricket, I wanted to let you know that yesterday at church we celebrated Blue Mass; I have been going for about 5 years. I was thinking of you. I didn't know this, but it came out of 911 across the nation.

7:05 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan/MarySarah - YES exactly which is what I meant about re-writing history. I know my H shared in counseling things that bothered him. When I worked on those things, he admitted that I'd grown a lot; he hadn't thought I could make those changes.... BUT it was too late, we’d lost our connection. He didn't want to see a solution, he had to chase his fantasy of mlc

7:05 Bluesky1: all Praises for chat tonight. No problems. Yippee

7:06 MarySarah: Swan 7:03 Oh yeah, I heard that....Oh! Now you want to change....I even heard you wouldn't change & I can't, yet I felt I was always having to change from day one to suit H's needs

7:06 MarySarah: MAS 704 yes it does hurt

7:06 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - They have to justify their emotions. They feel the depression consuming them & they can't fix it so they look for excuses to blame us & justify themselves

7:06 Bluesky1: Swan, 7:05 that is twisted

7:06 Joey [Facilitator]: guys, it’s after 10, time to close chat.

7:07 Snickerdoodle: Good Night all! God bless!

7:07 MAS: MarySarah@7:03: That's exactly what my H did with me. All I wanted was his time, but he was always too busy. Now, he's got the OW, and all of a sudden, he's found plenty of time to spend with her.

7:07 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I know Graceful & Faithfull both worry about the same things. Sometimes they have no options

7:07 Still: Goodnight, everyone. So good to be in chat tonight!

7:07 Swanlake: BlueSky - well he told her that since he had to pay her child support he couldn't afford to pay the credit card bills, it was her fault, so why shouldn't she pay them for him.

7:08 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - I almost commented earlier on no chat problems but worried about jinxing it. I guess the answer is to name it the wrong date & no problems...LOL

7:08 Joey [Facilitator]: Cricket, LOL

7:09 MarySarah: Cricket that must have been hard to hear, but it's probably good he could at least say you had grown

7:09 Cricket [Facilitator]: ALL - Remember chat with Jim tomorrow. Hopefully there will be no problems then too.

7:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - This is the first time in a long time that we didn't have problems and as Blue said PTL...

7:10 Bluesky1: Joey, Swan, Cricket, thank you again for the advice and support.

7:10 MarySarah: Joey, Swan, Cricket is it good H picked up a card for our son to give me for MD?

7:10 Joey [Facilitator]: amen

7:10 Swanlake: Cricket - maybe all the prayers are beginning to work

7:10 Joey [Facilitator]: MS, yes! :)

7:10 MarySarah: Swan, Joey, & Cricket, its sooo painful to get any hopes up, how sad is that.... very different than my personality

7:10 Cricket [Facilitator]: BlueSky - You're welcome. Try to focus on the praise you received - Counseling is a big praise

7:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - I sure hope so.

7:11 MarySarah: Joey 7:10 Thanks! I can't stop crying about it

7:11 Cricket [Facilitator]: Swan - Also I noticed this is where I logged in - http://chat.midlife.com/chat.asp

7:11 Joey [Facilitator]: guys, I need to go dr. my sunburn before bed.

7:11 Bluesky1: Cricket, oh, yes, you were right it was a big praise.

7:12 Bluesky1: Joey, oh so sorry, aloe vera

7:12 Bluesky1: goodnight and blessings to all.

7:12 MarySarah: Joey ouch :(

7:12 Cricket [Facilitator]: Blue - This is what Jim says about holidays: Holidays are a tough time, we know... Holidays are tough for people in unhappy marriages when everyone else seems so happy. Depression is higher during the holidays than any other time of year. It's important to make plans and be proactive. Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed, lonely, and depressed. Doing these types of activities helps change your brain chemistry, which enables you to cope with life better. 1) Spend time with encouraging friends. 2) Plan a special event/activity that will nourish you. 3) Ask for extra prayer from your support group. 4) Spend extra time with God, in His Word, listening to praise music. 5) Make time to exercise, go walking with close friends. 6) Volunteer in your community, or church, to take meals to people in need, serve meals at a shelter, etc. Deliberately get outside your needs to see other's needs and how you can help them.

7:12 Joey [Facilitator]: witch hazel, pulls the heat out and it shouldn't peel.

7:13 MarySarah: Vinegar too

7:13 Bluesky1: Cricket, Amen to all of that, I was grateful to have lunch with my kids. Next year will be different.

7:13 Cricket [Facilitator]: All - Have a good night. Blessings all.

7:13 Swanlake: Ok all, I'm logging off for tonight, see you all tomorrow for chat with Jim

7:13 Bluesky1: Joey, good to know.

7:14 Joey [Facilitator]: I got burnt worse than this a few yrs ago and used witch hazel, didn't peel and had tan line for 8 months

7:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: It's time to close all. Have Good night.

7:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joey - Take care of your sunburn.

7:14 MarySarah: Do H's buy things for ow for MD since they aren't mother of their own kids?

7:14 Cricket [Facilitator]: Joey - Will you close?

7:15 Joey [Facilitator]: night all! God Bless, sweet sleep and your families be covered in the Blood of Jesus!!!!

7:15 Cricket [Facilitator]: MS - YES they do.

7:15 MarySarah: God bless all

7:15 Joey [Facilitator]: Yes, got ya!

7:15 MarySarah: Cricket 7:15 why?

6:44 Still: Cricket/Joey: Even though it has been over 2 years, it still feels so surreal. He isn't mean, but he is withdrawn, non-communicative, and working himself ragged. I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I just keep giving him space, but I fear it will ultimately make things worse. I just don't know. I feel that I am perpetuating the idea that "we have nothing in common" just out of inability to find common ground. Does that make sense?

6:47 Cricket [Facilitator]: Still - Yes it makes sense. It's good to give him space, but still affirm him when you can. Invite him to join you as you have but don't take it personally when he declines. He is seeing your changes even when he doesn't comment. This is a process they have to go thru pretty much on their own

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud