Midlife Dimensions

6:02 PM

Swan

Hello everyone, welcome to Monday evening chat. Bill isn't able to be with us tonight, but we can join together and offer support and encouragement to one another tonight.

6:02 PM

Tiger

Hey Swan

6:03 PM

Swan

Tiger - Hello

6:03 PM

Tiger

how are you tonight?

6:04 PM

Swan

Tiger - I'm good, I am at my daughter's home to celebrate Christmas Eve. Hope you holiday's will be safe given your profession.

6:04 PM

Swan

Hello Pelagius

6:05 PM

Tiger

Swan - thank you. My shift is off tonight, however we work New Years Eve, which will be pure… you know what!!

6:05 PM

Pelagius

Hey Swan and Tiger. Are you guys getting the dropping temperatures? We're supposed to get a foot or more of snow tomorrow!

6:05 PM

Tiger

Pelagius - lucky you. I had to turn on my A/C today

6:06 PM

Tiger

all- Did you guys happen to read my email that I just sent out about 30 minutes ago?

6:06 PM

Swan

Pelagius - this year I am in southern California, we are having a mild winter, temps still in the high 50's low 60's most days, a little higher a couple of days ago.   Nothing like last year when I was in Missouri, that's for sure.

6:06 PM

Pelagius

Tiger, glad you're off tonight. I can't imagine the "fun" of New Year's Eve for you. My house is drafty; there is a wind tunnel from the front door to the back door of the living room. There's a fireplace but it is a gas insert and we've never been able to find a replacement pipe for it. So I have a big heater in there. I was wrapped in a blanket reading a book. Brrr.

6:07 PM

Pelagius

Tiger, I just checked my e-mail before I opened chat and I didn't have an e-mail from you.

6:07 PM

Swan

Tiger - being at my daughter's today, I haven't kept up on email this afternoon, just brought my computer so I could facilitate chat. Want to share here now?

6:08 PM

Tiger

Pelagius - Our weather stinks here.... last Friday night, I had to wear cuddle duds under my uniform because it got down in the high 20's... today the A/C is on,

6:10 PM

Pelagius

Tiger, same here often. We had spring-like days up until yesterday, but the lows were in the 30s at night or lower. That's why I'm skeptical that any of this blizzard will stick, since it seems to have been warm. But there's supposed to be sleet and freezing rain and then a foot or more of snow. I just hope I don't lose electrical power!

6:11 PM

Tiger

Well if you didn’t get my email let me fill you in... D29 did come over this afternoon. About 2 my H texted me and wanted to know if it would be alright for him to come over around 4 to bring presents for the kids... I responded sure that would be great... Well when he showed up, we were all in the front riding my new ATV that I bought for myself. I also bought the boys one, so when H got here I had him go to the garage and bring it out front, he showed the boys how to run it and we all had fun taking turns. The he was going to leave and I said why don’t you stay for dinner. He did then we opened presents. He even got me a bottle of my favorite perfume. After they all left, I just feel down crying.

6:11 PM

Pelagius

I just read your e-mail. That's nice that your h came home for the afternoon. I'm still holding out hope that I will see my h over this holiday. He has come home every year on every holiday until last Christmas, but he showed up in February! Then May! Then August! But not in November for Thanksgiving, so he's off schedule and I think something is up. But I don't know what.

6:13 PM

Pelagius

Sorry I keep doing that. I have to use Safari for chat, and I had my e-mail open in Yahoo on Firefox. I thought I could flip back and forth but I keep getting logged out.

6:14 PM

Swan

Tiger - that's great that he came over to see the kids and then stayed to enter act with all of you as a family, often they avoid those type situations, so baby steps and count it a praise.

6:14 PM

Tiger

Swan - oh I do... and I thanked God. I just hope these are good baby steps

6:16 PM

Tiger

I had got him a shirt that says... Grandpas Keepers... and it has 4 little fish with our grandson’s names under each one... I think he kind of got choked up over that... The boys gave it to him and they all signed that card

6:16 PM

Pelagius

Tiger @ :14, I hope so too. I hope he keeps making more of them.

6:17 PM

Tiger

Pelagius - thanks me too...

6:17 PM

Pelagius

Oh, sorry, my phone is ringing, have to go. Merry Christmas! I'll try to be in chat tomorrow night!

6:17 PM

Swan

Tiger - just keep in mind that they can make positive strides and then get scared and fly back into the cave and avoid us and other close family and friends.

6:18 PM

Tiger

Swan - I know, I try really hard not to get my hopes up at all. I really had it in my mind that I wasn’t even going to hear from him this Christmas.. It was a pleasant surprise. I just want to make sure I do the right things and not mess anything up.

6:20 PM

Swan

Tiger - that's great and it is always less emotionally defeating when we get a pleasant surprise when we weren't expecting it.

6:22 PM

Tiger

Swan - I held it together very well. I didn’t hang over him or anything. I did my own thing, I didn’t even sit next to him at dinner. He sat in between one grandson and D... My S had set the table and placed everyone.

6:22 PM

Tiger

Swan - After they all left, It just came all out.. I mean I cried like a baby... for awhile too

6:23 PM

Swan

Tiger - I am not sure what it is about we human's but remember we rarely want what is overly available to us, but seem to really want what it appears is aloof to us.

6:25 PM

Tiger

Swan - You might be right... However, I’ve always wanted him no matter if he was overly available or not.. He hugged all the kids’ goodbye, than he came over into the kitchen where I was and hugged me too. I did not want to let him go, but I did not cling

6:28 PM

Swan

Tiger - I can understand that, if I were able to hug my husband, it would really be hard to let go, but we also have to be careful not to appear so needy and for some reason to a mlcer that is what it seems to appear to them, a non mlc person would have an entirely different opinion of long tight hugs.

6:30 PM

Swan

Hello dumbfounded

6:30 PM

Tiger

Swan - I know and it was just a 1 arm hug.. I had a really rough night last night. I came home from work early because I just couldn’t hold it together.. I made up an excuse to my Lt. and he let me come home. He’s really good about that. I think he knows what’s going on, but he hasn’t said anything to me, but I know he keeps his eyes on me.. anyways, I got home, I could not stop crying, then I started reading all the cards H has given me over the past 14 years and of course that did not stop the crying it just made it worse.. I know I probably should be doing things like that. but I just couldn’t help it last night should not be

6:30 PM

Tiger

hey dumbfounded

6:32 PM

Swan

Tiger - sometimes things like that make you feel worse and other times it can give you a feeling of closeness to them even with them so far away.

6:33 PM

Tiger

Swan - I look at all those cards, almost everyone says.. I will love you forever!! even this past Feb. for our anniversary

6:34 PM

Swan

Hello buttons

6:35 PM

buttons

Swan hey there

6:35 PM

buttons

All how are you tonight?

6:35 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger-I am so happy for you. What a Christmas surprise. I know the hopeful feelings you are having now. Enjoy them, but please don't be hurt when he runs again. My H has cycles through the past 2 years, connecting, flirting, and then pulling away. I just want you to know that it will probably happen and don't get your feelings hurt because it is part of MLC, not you!

6:35 PM

Tiger

buttons hi

6:36 PM

buttons

All yeah, I sure experienced that (mlc) today... H's commented about disowning everyone and that all he was going to worry about was himself....

6:36 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - I know, and thank you. I will not expect to hear from him again anytime soon.. if I do.. GREAT

6:38 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - I have the same kind of cards as recently as a few months before he exploded. H would write love notes in them and say how I was his best friend and the rock he needed in his life. I just try not to associate that man with the MLC man! I also know how hard it is to not be needy when they offer us crumbs like a hug. I have done the crying thing and felt awful after a visit and then I have felt so hopeful after a visit. It is just an emotional roller coaster. Try to keep the love in your heart, but detached from your H's actions. You will feel better and more stable if you can do this until he can finally face all his fears.

6:39 PM

Swan

So what plans do you ladies have for tomorrow?

6:40 PM

Tiger

Swan - My sister and I were talking about going to see a movie. Her H is leaving to go back, flying tomorrow, so she will be by herself.

6:41 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - I hope he can one day.....I sure hope he will come out of this and not be dragged on for years and years,

6:42 PM

Swan

Tiger - that is fun, my husband and I used to go to the movies Christmas day, it was always so much fun and not really very crowded.

6:42 PM

buttons

swan making a 10lb turkey for H and I, S and GF will be over around lunch, D and her BF not sure--- her friend's (BF's sis) little one is now old enough (just over a yr) to enjoy Christmas so I learned they are going there....

6:43 PM

Swan

Hello surety - how are you tonight?

6:43 PM

buttons

Sawn S & GF will be going to Grandma's (my mom's) after for dinner... right now H is chatting with ??? overseas as it is already Christmas there

6:43 PM

buttons

hey surety

6:43 PM

Tiger

Swan - I’ll probably go over and see what Santa brought the boys first, then I’ll be by myself, that why I called my sister and she suggested that.

6:44 PM

buttons

Swan I sure got taste of H's mlc this morning (not like I don't regularly however, let most of it slide now)... he said that he's disowned pretty much everyone, just going to worry about himself... sigh, ugh

6:45 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - That is the big question isn't it? How long can I do this and how long will he drag through this? My boys and I have not heard or seen my H for 6 weeks. No "happy thanksgiving", no contact about Christmas. My MIL and FIL cannot get him to return calls, nor will he acknowledge calls from his brother. Running hard! My heart hurts today as Christmas has always been special to us, but I have to keep a happy face for my boys. They miss their father but do not want to talk about it.

6:47 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - Hey! I am cooking Christmas dinner and going all out. Way too much food, but I actually feel like entertaining and putting it all together this year. So it is to make up for the past 2 years I guess. The boys are excited as I am making them wait to get into the goodies

6:47 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 (((hugs)))) sorry to hear H has gone so far into hiding, holidays can do that, my H is SO not into the holidays this year and it's making it hard for me, esp. since I've been busy and had little to no time or energy to get into it much myself... we just got tree up and decorated over the last two days

6:47 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - I am so sorry.. I don’t understand this, duh, like who does right? anyway, like my H comes around and sees his Step kids, but yours won’t come see his Biological kids??? go figure.. Swan - what are your feelings on that.

6:48 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons - I think they cannot take the emotions tied to holidays if they can't take the emotions tied to their wife and kids.

6:48 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 that's for sure

6:49 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - What makes it really hard is that H adored his boys and they him. They have felt like they have been living a dream.

6:50 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - it’s just so unfair!! I know your boys have to be having a hard time.

6:51 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - They are actually doing better than I am. They are male so they seem to be able to put it in a box and put it away and focus on the holidays...whereas I attach feelings to most of the holiday traditions.

6:52 PM

buttons

swan what are your plans? you're with your s & family

6:52 PM

Tiger

Swan - you’ve been here for awhile, is there any reasoning whatsoever one stays away from his own kids, but yet another sees he’s step kids, on holidays even?

6:52 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 @:51- I understand that all too well.

6:53 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 right now I don't feel like I can take the emotions tied to everything, including the holidays right now

6:53 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger- Jim Conway's book stated that if a man was really close to his children, that he would distance himself from them.

6:54 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - well my H was really close to my kids... and the grandsons are his world

6:54 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons - I have found that if I look around, I can usually see others who are in more pain than I am and I try my best to pray for them, rather than feel sorry for myself. I do have my days, but this refocusing has helped me stay realistic about what is going on in my life.

6:54 PM

buttons

All there's so much pent up inside me, going to try to chop some wood soon that usually helps :)

6:56 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 I am usually just fine but feeling overwhelmed with all that needed doing, having H talk that way this morning and seeing him on computer nightly again, then thinking about all I really need to do before school starts again!

6:56 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - Absolutely!!! look at those parents in Ct. right now... what are they thinking? they would be getting their kids to bed and then playing Santa Claus... it breaks my heart for those parents

6:57 PM

Tiger

buttons - @:55--- you’re a woodchopper huh?

6:57 PM

buttons

All yes, there are lives that have been changed dramatically the past few weeks! Many in sad ways... those parents and the family around them

6:57 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons - Try your best to detach and put your energy into something that makes you feel good. You know that your H has to fall on his face then find his way after he makes a bunch of foolish mistakes.

6:57 PM

buttons

Tiger well someone has to, S has moved out and was hard to convince to do it anyway, H hurt his back too many times

6:58 PM

Tiger

Swan - what is something that makes them hit bottom?

6:59 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 I know that but right now I have reached a wall again... it's always in my face and most times I manage to move through just overwhelmed with other things too... be nice if our new master could be finished... I got the spare bedroom cleaner again and other parts of the house too so that has helped!

7:00 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger- Yes. I feel for those families, but I actually volunteered at our local soup kitchen yesterday and it is amazing how good that makes you feel to serve others.

7:01 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons- Knock that wall down and march on girl! You can do it. If you can live with your H while he goes through this madness, you are stronger than I am. I couldn't do it. I know how miserable H is making me while he is out of the house, but I know if he were here going through this I would have a fit. I understand how his disinterest and attitude can work on your nerves and emotions.

7:03 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 - thanks! I know I can, I just need to get some other stuff conquered and it will help me feel better! Really want to plan but also need to do some resting to really do that... H is going to be on holiday and I guess that is part of what's causing me to struggle too... not that I don't want him to be

7:04 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - Have you ever talked with anyone who’s H has made the journey through MLC and then made the decision to return home to his family? I am hoping that by leaving my H to his own devices, he will eventually hit a wall of loneliness and break.

7:06 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 there are many who have

7:06 PM

buttons

ALL Merry Christmas!!! I am going to run now... take care and remember that God is with us through all this

7:06 PM

dumbfounded2

buttons - When you are tired, you know you will feel weaker. Get some rest....and then you will feel stronger tomorrow.

7:06 PM

buttons

swan thanks for being here tonight

7:07 PM

Tiger

buttons - Merry Christmas

7:07 PM

buttons

dumbfounded2 yup, I do know that, I am working hard on getting rest and yet trying to get things done too... so few days before the holidays from the time school let out so now I should be able to!

7:07 PM

buttons

Tiger ((hugs))

7:10 PM

Swan

dumbfounded2 - we have some in the chat group that have done that, Dani one of our facilitators has a restored marriage, Kmkrn does as well, Jo who doesn't come any longer, her marriage was restored after many years.

7:11 PM

Tiger

Swan - the ones you say many years... are they younger? Like me and my H are 52... we don’t have many years..

7:12 PM

Swan

Tiger - nothing that we can do that will make them hit bottom, it is pretty much all on them and how they face and process through their internal issues.

7:12 PM

dumbfounded2

Swan - I have chatted with Dani and I think our stories are similar. I can't remember if there was OW involved in her story. I just wondered how that realization came to their H's?

7:13 PM

Tiger

Swan - is it like getting over..never having kids, getting over being old??

7:13 PM

Swan

Tiger - Jo's husband was older, Dani's husband was in the early 50's range, same with KmKrm

7:13 PM

Tiger

Swan - well I learned to take one day at a time.. as hard as it is

7:14 PM

dumbfounded2

Tiger - My H is 43, but is an old soul. But it still feels like we are losing time. Of course, I am the half of the couple that actually realizes time is going by.

7:15 PM

Tiger

dumbfounded2 - I feel that too... and we are almost 10 years older than you guys... I hate that we are losing so much time together

7:15 PM

Swan

Tiger - it is whatever from their past they have not dealt with that is an issue for them, some came from abusive families, others have over smothering mothers, some feel that they never achieved in life, it is hard to say what causes it. When all people reach midlife, they reflect on who they are, what they have done and some just get stuck going into crisis rather than processing and continuing life.

7:16 PM

Tiger

Swan - well I pray that my H does not get stuck..

7:17 PM

Swan

Well ladies, I need to get back to the family so chat is going to need to close, please join us again tomorrow for a special holiday chat.

7:17 PM

Tiger

yeah I need to go, I think I’m gong to Midnight mass tonight.. I have a lot to be thankful for ...