Midlife Dimensions


Mother's Day 2016

Bluesky: all, my daughter called me early this morning which was nice but said she was mad at her dad again for not doing the dad thing he should doing. So it upsets me that nothing has changed.

Swan: Bluesky - Momma bear is going to come out when your child is hurting, especially at the hand of someone who should protect her like you would. When dealing with MLC dad's it is often more of a benefit for our children to not have any expectations of them. I know it is very hard for my children (who are adults), especially my son in regards to my grandson when it comes to my husband failing to do what he should, keep his word, etc. They have all got to the point of "whatever" and if my husband comes through fine, if not, they just shrug. It is so sad!

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May 08 2016 / Sunday

Swan: Hello everyone, welcome to Sunday evening chat. Happy Mother's Day to our wonderful moms.

Cricket: Happy Mother's Day all.

Dani: Hi Swan and Cricket! I am just catching up on emails and see I missed my scheduled week with prayer requests. I'll be right back!

Swan: Hi Cricket and Dani

Cricket: Hey Dani - Happy Mother's Day.

Dani: Thank you Cricket!

Dani: How are both of you this weekend?

Cricket: I'm good, how about you. Were you able to get together with your girls?

Swan: Dani - I am good, today was a light day at work, guess families are spending Mother's Day some place other than LEGOLAND.

Dani: Swan I am glad you had a lighter day. Did you have some time with your family as well?

Dani: Cricket, My older daughter and I were going to drive (about 6 hours) to my other daughter's and have a girl's weekend, but my older daughter got sick so I was babysitting my little grandson all weekend. He is such a sweetie.

Swan: Dani - I got off early today so I will get to spend time with my family as soon as they get home from my daughter in laws parents. My daughter is spending the day with her mother in law, but they will come spend a day with me next weekend. I don't mind, I had to work and her mother in law requires more attention, so it keeps the peace.

Cricket: All - An older man who is the only caregiver for his special needs 46 yr old son invited me to join them for lunch today. They are alone and decided to come to my community for lunch which was nice. I'd been exhausted from a busy week so it was nice to come home for a nap & some R&R.

Swan: Dani - sorry your daughter is sick, but what special time with your grandson! When my grandson was younger I loved our extended weekends together. He is more into video games and his friends now that he is a teenager.

Cricket: Dani - Although I'm sure you'd have enjoyed a girls weekend with your d, what a nice chance to spend the weekend with your new grandson.

Dani: Cricket, that sounds like a nice time for all of you! ...and glad you had some R and R too!

Dani: Swan, I know those teenage days will be here before I want them!

Cricket: Dani - Since it's just us. How are things with your H.? I know there'd been some stress a while back and had been thinking of you

Swan: Dani - When he was a baby I would sit and hold him for hours while he slept, we had special outings when he was younger, but the past couple years he has other focuses most of the time, but he does make special days to spend time with me now and then, just more far apart than he used to. He is a great kid, but a typical teenager and most of his time is filled with water polo and competitive swim, so I don't get my feeling hurt when he wants most of what little time he has to do things he is interested in.

Dani: Cricket thank you for asking. Things are good, thanks. I think the stresses are pretty generic type stresses, but they are always good reminders that we need to take care of things carefully when they come up

Swan: Dani - It is good that you both noticed what was going on and took care of things in a loving way, it shows how much both of you have grown through MLC and is an inspiration for us.

Dani: Swan, I keep telling my daughter....it's a dilemma because we want them to stay small, young, and yet everything we do for them is so that they can grow up and be healthy and happy, and of course we wouldn't want them to stay the way they are,....just so hard to let the babies go.

Cricket: Dani - In chat Saturday, Little Magpie talked about stress of finances and her taking it personal when her H vents. I reminded her of what you shared recently and reacting to your H frustration, waiting until calm and then sharing. She remembered what you shared and wanted you to know that even these things are helpful to others. In Little Magpie’s case, it is a deep-seated issue she will need to work on but I was able to remind her of your info.

Cricket: Dani - Yes, the elderly man I met for lunch today is a reminder. His son is very well behaved and has been taught well but he is unable to drive or live independently. I worry for both the man and his son for the future so a reminder of how blessed we are when we are able to watch our kids grow and become independent and raise a family.

Dani: Cricket it’s always easy to "know" what we should do....it's much harder to actually do it....just like the rest of life!

Swan: Dani - I understand that so much, I look at my grandson sometimes and wonder where my cute little bright eyed guy has gone, because what I see now is a tall, handsome young man. This boy is 6' 2" tall, because of swim he is thin, but muscular, his voice tone is getting so deep, all signs of my little guy are gone, but there are times when I see that adorable little guy in something he will do. My daughter in law had an adjustment to letting him grow up; she misses her baby boy but is so proud of her young man.

Dani: Swan, yes that is what I know is coming. He's only 11 weeks old and I'm already trying to prepare myself for it!

Swan: Dani - Isn't that the truth, I know I shouldn't have a bowl of ice cream when I get home from work because it will spoil my dinner that my son and grandson will be making for us, but darn it I just couldn't convince myself not to have it!!

Dani: Swan, weakness for ice cream?! A woman after my own heart!!

Cricket: Dani - You are so right. Even now I think back at the year + my H was connecting in 2008/2009 and question things I could have done differently. Intellectually I know that it was really that my H reconnected too quickly, immediately after separating from the OW and he needed time for healing & recovery. Still there are times when I question things I could have done differently. So easy to encourage others though.

Cricket: I am so thankful I was able to talk with Jim when things blew up the second time. Those of us who really got to know him really received a gift.

Dani: Cricket yes, you are so right. What do you know about Jim now?

Swan: Cricket - I think some of us can honestly look back and see how we could have done things different, we question what we did or didn't do at the time and second guessing ourselves. I believe you are correct that your husband tried to reconnect to quickly and even in the relationship he is in now, it was done too quickly, he just didn't give himself time to deal with his MLC, instead he jumped in head first to the next thing that would help him numb the storm within himself. You are a wise woman and such a blessing to this group, thank you for sharing your walk, I know some have really benefitted from it and others will as well.

Cricket: Dani - I keep updated on facebook. He'd been hospitalized recently but sounds like he's doing well now. He and Jan are very busy with their Late Life support group.

Swan: Hi Bluesky - Hope your Mother's Day has been filled with love and blessings.

Bluesky: Hi Swan, Cricket and Dani.

Cricket: Dani - I checked back. He was taken to the hospital in April but came home April 19th after his heart checked out fine.

Cricket: Hey Bluesky

Bluesky: all, my daughter called me early this morning which was nice but said she was mad at her dad again for not doing the dad thing he should doing. So it upsets me that nothing has changed.

Bluesky: I hope you ladies have had a good mother's and grandmother's day.

Cricket: Swan - Yes each step of the way he's run to quick fixes. He hadn't worked everything out with the OW when he was reconnecting with me so she was able to tip him upside down on and off during the year. Sadly, when he pulled away the last time, she was able to plant lies in a very convincing way that he didn't seem to be able to get past. He then went a couple years deciding he was done with women, never re-marrying. After health issues and becoming lonely, he asked friends to introduce him to single friends and after the 1st one he was introduced to, he cancelled all others, proposed 2 months after the meeting and married her 3 months later. I had worried that my H kept me at arm’s length when connecting but Jim had said best to rebuild the friendship first. Of course later, I wonder if I should have flirted more, done more.

Swan: Bluesky - Momma bear is going to come out when your child is hurting, especially at the hand of someone who should protect her like you would. When dealing with MLC dad's it is often more of a benefit for our children to not have any expectations of them. I know it is very hard for my children (who are adults), especially my son in regards to my grandson when it comes to my husband failing to do what he should, keep his word, etc. They have all got to the point of "whatever" and if my husband comes through fine, if not, they just shrug. It is so sad!

Cricket: Bluesky - It is good that your d is able to talk to you about these feelings. Something to remember though is that many daughters and dads get frustrated with one another even without mlc. Are they connecting more than in the past to where they can build relationships?

Bluesky: Swan, sadly that is how my daughter already feels.

Bluesky: Cricket, he thinks everything is fine (from what I am told) and she has no respect for him whatsoever.

Cricket: Bluesky - Also, Swan is right. They have to keep expectations low but it's also hard not to let their heart harden where her Dad feels the resentment. Sadly the damage can be too great to overcome.

Bluesky: Cricket, her dad feels resentment? I don't think so; I think he is clueless as to how she feels.

Cricket: Bluesky - As you know, mlcrs are very self-centered so they are focused on their own issues and don't even notice what's going on around them.

Bluesky: Cricket, lol that is a better description of him. And that is what makes her mad. Not being a dad.

Swan: Bluesky - our son is a little more forgiving, but our daughter isn't so much anymore. She and her dad where close when she was growing up, while my son and I were closer, ironically, that closeness has caused her to be more resentful when her dad doesn't follow through. My husband complained to a friend, who says he told him, "What do you expect?" My daughter still communicates with this friend and says he told her he understands and tried to express that to her dad; just not sure it got past the self-pity cloud in my husband's brain.

Cricket: Bluesky - He may be clueless now, but there can be a time where your d unloads and he'll be shocked. I really think that's what happened with dumbfounded's H when his eldest son unloaded on him about what he thought about his dad's actions, etc. Her H was shocked and has pulled completely away, not even attending his eldest son's wedding or the younger son's activities. The truth was shocking for him to hear and seems to have devastated him.

Bluesky: Swan, I get that. Sounds familiar. She has already told me that when/if she gets marries he won't be invited let alone walk her down the aisle.

Bluesky: Cricket, really? She does need to stand up to him that's for sure. So they play the victim after being told off?

Cricket: Bluesky - I don't think it's "playing" the victim; it's more that they are unable handle seeing how their flesh and blood sees them. He sunk into total depression, not functioning except for basic work needs. Not eating or caring for himself.

Bluesky: Cricket, hmmm, I just don't get how they can be surprised. Hard time wrapping my head around that one.

Cricket: Bluesky - Another example though is Finding Nemo's daughter. In her case, I do think it helped that FN's daughter seemed to grasp better that her d was going through something. She and her Dad spent time together and they were able to talk but not with the same level of anger and painful honesty. She shared how she felt hurt and not loved but didn't carry all the anger that DF's son.

Swan: Bluesky - my husband was invited, but she asked her brother to walk her down the aisle. When my husband asked if he could bring the other woman that caused an entirely new battle. I was living in Missouri at the time and told her if she was ok with her dad bringing the other woman, I wouldn't consider it betrayal, but she didn't agree. She says she told him that woman had destroyed her family enough and was not invited, if he couldn't come without her, don't come. He showed up, but sulked the entire time because he didn't get to perform father of the bride honors and had to be there alone. My daughter says she told him to stop playing the victim; it was her day and all about her, not him. They say he stayed the entire wedding, the whole weekend with our son in fact, but it was his choice, sorry he has regrets about it. I tell my kids that they can't allow themselves to get sucked into the MLC tunnel, they need to be kind and respectful with their father and the other woman, but they also have to leave him to himself, to not allow his pity parties to take over events he is at with them.

Bluesky: Cricket, interesting. I wonder if the difference between the two kids is female response and male response.

Bluesky: Swan, good for her. I can see the same scenario as he sulked at her grad party from high school and didn't realize that until you said it. Thank you.

Cricket: Bluesky - You are forgetting that mlcrs do not view their circumstances and actions in the same way we do. Again, if we use the example of someone being very ill, ranting and lashing out while in a high fever or some medical condition, we wouldn't take it nearly as personally. In the mlcr mind, their actions are due to being in pain and depression and they believe that it's brought on by us. My H would talk about how he sat with his gun in his mouth ready to pull the trigger due to the unbearable depression until he finally gave in to the need to leave.

Bluesky: Cricket, you are right. Gosh what an awful visual for you. So sorry.

Bluesky: Okay, ladies thanks for the pep talk. I know it is after the hour. Have a great week.

Cricket: Bluesky - I did know my H was depressed but I didn't realize it was because of our marriage. I thought it was his Dad's death and mlc issues but I didn't grasp what that meant. It has helped me not have the anger at my H as I did see his depression and struggle. I know he hated to hurt me but didn't find a solution.

Bluesky: Cricket, I haven't gotten any of that from my h. I don't think my h cares one way or the other about whether he hurt me or not. I really don't think he knows how to love or did.

Cricket: Bluesky - Still it would be hard for me if I saw those I loved being hurt as you see your d. I do think the difference with dumbfounded's son and finding nemo's daughter is that the daughter was helped to understand that her dad was hurting. In DF's case, I think her son only saw the pain and only has anger.

Dani: Cricket - Depression is a beast to handle. I have watched it. However, don't you think that depression "needs" a target, and the one he choose was your marriage? This is what my husband did. He said he hated his life, his whole life and he couldn't go on that way. He had to change something and in doing so, it was our marriage. The marriage was just the easiest thing for him to change to try to get it to be different.

Bluesky: Cricket, I will have to try to figure out which is my d. I do know she 'hates' him for ruining any possible relationship with a man for her.

Cricket: Bluesky- I know my H felt guilty and didn't like that I was hurt (initially) and worried I'd take my life. Later he saw I was stronger than he was and justifies his actions more.

Bluesky: Dani, I have suffered depression myself and it is awful but I got help and got out of it and found out what the root of it was.

Cricket: Bluesky - For your own daughter's sake, it would be good to help her understand mlc. It isn't healthy for her to carry this anger. When we came here and learned from Jim about mlc, it helped us not harbor the same anger and have more understanding. If your d can understand, it may help her let go of the anger.

Bluesky: Cricket, again I wouldn't know that cuz once he walked he never looked back. I only gave up my guilt once I saw him at the settlement meeting and knew for sure it was him.

Swan: Cricket & Bluesky - My husband once described an anger outburst at me as him standing outside of himself watching, trying to stop himself, but he wouldn't listen, wouldn't stop. He knew he was hurting me and he didn't want to do that, but the rage just kept spewing from him. He said it was at the moment that he felt his fist tightening that he knew he had to get out of the house because he was losing the battle against that feared action. He said he needed to be free so he could be with the other woman so much that he was saying things he knew were false and would hurt me, but he had no control over himself. This is a man who was always in some type of control and sadly those feelings are part of what convinced him that he had to divorce me, how could he feel that way and still love me? They live in a constant fog and the clouded thinking messes with them in so many ways.

Cricket: Bluesky - It would be helpful for her in future relationships, possibly if she would read Jim Conway's book or Sally's, it may help her understand.

Bluesky: Cricket, oh of course I have shared but she is 23 and quite cynical these days. lol

Bluesky: Cricket, we have discussed many things before and I know I can't bring it up now though.

Bluesky: Swan, wow, they can see some things just not the truth.

Cricket: Bluesky - My H and I worked together so in the first few years, I had contact. Still he avoided contact with me and then moved out of the area and avoids contact. I hear from a mutual friend things and know that his current OW is very jealous of me. Strange as she and I were friends and when she met my H he'd divorced the 1st OW and I wasn't in the picture. She didn't break up our marriage so no reason to be jealous of me.

Bluesky: Ladies, I am to the point that I think my h really was unhappy for the entire length of our marriage because I don't think he knows what love it.

Cricket: Bluesky - It is hard and she is protective of you. Hopefully in time she'll be more open to learning.

Bluesky: Cricket, I remember that.

Bluesky: Cricket, maybe, once she is in a relationship.

Bluesky: Sorry to keep you ladies late.

Swan: Bluesky - my husband was always an honorable man, as a Marine officer, he had great integrity and MLC went against everything he ever was, so he had to convince himself he wasn't at fault in order to justify his choices. It is sad, sometimes he admits things in those moments of clarity, but most of the time he is still reaching for someone else to be at fault and I am his most common target for that.

Cricket: Bluesky - I have to say that I've grown so much and have built such a good life, I wouldn't want to go back to where I was before. My in laws have said that they see me much happier than their son and they are happy for me.

Bluesky: Cricket, that is great and I am proud of you.

Cricket: Swan - Yes, exactly the same with my H. His honor and integrity were vital to him so he has had to convince himself he had no choice.

Bluesky: Swan, I thought my h was a proud man too. lol

Bluesky: okay you guys go have a good night. Talk soon.

Bluesky: Thanks again.

Swan: Night all, see you again later this week. Have a wonderful Mother

Swan: Mother's Day and week.

Bluesky: you too. Hugs to all.

Cricket: Bluesky - I was on a high last night. I was at a fundraiser for our school and spoke as Mayor about an auction item I offered for a kid to join me as Mayor for the Day. A prior mayor was challenged to do pushups for $100 each. I was in a dress and heels but took the challenge to do pushups at $100 each. The video is on facebook!

Dani: Good night all. You are all jewels and I respect you so much.

Bluesky: Cricket, WOWSERS. I will look for it. Congrats.

Cricket: Bluesky - I'd been more shy in the past and I think about where I am now. The Lord really has blessed me.

Bluesky: Cricket, Amen.

Swan: Bluesky - It is awesome and cricket kicked bottom end and took names

Cricket: Bluesky - I do know if this hadn't happened, I'd never have had the confidence to do these things and having not had kids, it's been good to build a new life and rebuild my self esteem.

Cricket: Swan - Thanks. I'm still laughing about last night.

Swan: Kids are home, so I am going to close chat for tonight, bye all

Cricket: All - My Mom was my best friend and we lost her before my H's mlc. I have no family living near but I do have friends and my position has provided me a good life and been so healing and allowed me to feel productive

Cricket: Night all.


Bluesky: all, my daughter called me early this morning which was nice but said she was mad at her dad again for not doing the dad thing he should doing. So it upsets me that nothing has changed.

Swan: Bluesky - Momma bear is going to come out when your child is hurting, especially at the hand of someone who should protect her like you would. When dealing with MLC dad's it is often more of a benefit for our children to not have any expectations of them. I know it is very hard for my children (who are adults), especially my son in regards to my grandson when it comes to my husband failing to do what he should, keep his word, etc. They have all got to the point of "whatever" and if my husband comes through fine, if not, they just shrug. It is so sad!

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Chat Room Acronyms

Guests often use acronyms to speed up their conversations. Here are a few examples for you:

I have been S from my H for 2 years. We have 3 children, S8, S13, and D16.
I have been Separated from my Husband for 2 years. We have 3 children, Son age 8, Son age 13, Daughter age 16.
  OW = Other Woman   AW  = Adulteress Woman   W  = Wife   OP = other person
  OM  = Other Man   AM  = Adulteress Man   H  = Husband   LBS = Left behind spouse
  D = divorce or daughter   S = son or sister or separated   XW  = ex-wife   GF = Girl Friend
  DIL = daughter-in-law   SIL = Sister-in-law or Son-in-law   XH  = ex-husband   BF = Boy Friend
  MIL = mother-in-law   MLC = Midlife Crisis   PG = Praise God   CS = Child Support
  FIL = father-in-law   MLD = Midlife Dimensions Ministry   PTL = Praise the Lord   ED = Erectile Dysfunction
  w/ = with   w/e = weekend   b/c = because   
  w/o = without   BRB / be right back   LOL / laughing out loud