Midlife Dimensions

Listen to an inspiring broadcast from the "Family In Crisis" series with Dr. James Dobson.

Part 1 with Dr. Jim Conway

Dr. Jim Conway, a man of great faith, was shaken to the core on the day his 16-year-old daughter Becki lost her leg to the ravages of cancer. We’ll peer into a father's broken heart as he asks, “Can we really believe Romans 8:28? Do 'all things work together for good’?” His answer will inspire you today.

Part 2 with Jim's daughter, Becki Conway-Walters

CANCER — the word itself can cause us to wince. In part one we heard from a father who watched his teen daughter battle with the devastation caused by this disease. Now you’ll hear from the young woman as she takes the microphone to share her own thoughts. Her perspective just might surprise you!

"The Over-Belief Of Spiritual Warfare"

January 25, 2010 by Matthew Gillogly 

Click on the following link, or copy and paste it into your web-browser;

http://www.christianbusinessdaily.com/833/spiritualwarfae.htm

Holidays are tough for people in unhappy marriages when everyone else seems so happy. Depression is higher during the holidays than any other time of year. It's important to make plans and be proactive.   Don’t allow yourself to be overwhelmed, lonely, and depressed. Doing these types of activities helps change your brain chemistry, which enables you to cope with life better.

[11/24 18: 27] "Cheyanne":   Jim, if you could name the 1 thing that will help our children through this time of separation and divorce.

[11/24 18: 36] JIM CONWAY:   "Cheyanne", teens and children need to know that your marital troubles are not their fault. They also need to know that both of you love them very much. Begin to identify several character traits about your children which you admire and then do 3 things:   1) put your hand on their shoulder or arm, 2) look them in the eye, 3) speak a verbal affirmation of encouragement to them.

6:32 "sky": Jim. he is the one going through this , but I have to change?

6:37 Dr. Jim Conway [Administrator]:   "sky": At midlife everybody is changing -- so I’m asking you to join the change process for the purpose of rescuing your marriage and producing a better "you". It never hurts to grow and change spiritually.

Look for these books by Jill Briscoe, "The Deep Place Where Nobody Goes; Conversations With God on the Steps of My Soul" Also, "God's Front Door: Private Conversations". And, "Faith Dancing, Conversations in Good Company". Jan and I heard Jill Briscoe speak at a conference this last week.   She is a wonderful author and speaker.

You can find her books through our MLD Amazon store:   CLICK HERE.

Remember that Jesus taught us not to worry about what tomorrow might bring -- or even to worry about the past.   He told us we had enough responsibilities in today -- focus on today.   If one of your tendencies has been to try to have everything figured out way ahead of time.   Rather, imagine that you are on an adventure walking through the woods.   You can't be sure of what you will see -- beauty, new plants or trees, a busy squirrel, or you might even run into a skunk.   But treat all of it as an adventure -- and walk all of your adventure with God beside you.

-- Dr. Jim Conway

Think of it as if you have seen a wonderful dress for sale, but you’re not sure if you like it enough to pay the price that is required - so you visit the store off and on trying to make a decision whether to buy it or not. Your husband is trying to decide whether to leap back into the marriage.

Think of an oak tree which holds its leaves through the entire winter.   But when spring time comes, the new growth and new leaves push the old leaves off.   Keep focusing on growth and change and the other woman will be pushed off as an old leaf.

-- Dr. Jim Conway

Carrots, Eggs, & Coffee!

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

How do I know if what I think and feel are God's will and not my own?

That's a great question that many people wonder about. The easiest way to separate the two is to have a daily quiet time where you are reading the Bible in a quiet place with your heart open to God. John 15, Jesus used the example of a branch growing out of the side of a tree. As the branch stays connected it receives nourishment and life. When it is disconnected, then it is on it's own and it will die.   So let me suggest this:

1) Get a modern translation of the Bible (New Living Translation).

2) Sit in a quiet place without distractions.

3) Speak to God as you would a friend, "God, I am here to learn from You, I deliberately open myself up to you, I set aside distractions and I ask you to teach me now as I read the Bible"

4) If you're new at this, start reading with the Gospel of John. The purpose of reading is not to cover lots of verses or chapters - it is to let God speak to you.

5) Read very slowly phrase by phrase watching for the words or phrase to almost jump off the page into your mind - you will definitely know that these words are important words for you today.

6) Stop and ask God what these words mean for your life now and what actions you should take because God has brought these words to your attention. As you reflect on these words with God, you will find that God is leading you to perhaps, things in the past, or that you are now facing, or that may come up as you go through this day.

7) Now write down the words that jump out to you and what your discussion was with God. You will notice over a period of weeks that God will be steering your mind in the directions that He wants you to go - you will be able to objectively see on paper how God has been guiding youday by day. I know this works because I've been doing it for years.

--Dr. Jim Conway

I know that many people have trouble temporarily using meds, but it is the same kind of thing that we do when we go to the dentist - we have a toothache - we go to the dentist - he injects our jaw with pain numbing chemicals - he fixes the tooth - and we go home and our jaw returns to normal. Meds can be helpful with emotional struggles, the same as with a tooth problem.

-- Dr. Jim Conway

"I am like a pencil in God's hand. God does the writing; the pencil has nothing to do with it."
--Mother Theresa

"I believe in God as I believe the sun has risen; not because I can see it, but because  I can see everything else."
--C. S. Lewis

Dear Dr. Jim,

I first read your book “Adult Children of Legal and Emotional Divorce” when I was in my early twenties. And now, here I am in my late 30's re-reading it. I read your chapter on forgiveness with new-found interest. I love what you say on page 216:

Neither does forgiveness mean that you don't have a right to:

• protect yourself
• limit contact
• refuse info
• file legal or criminal charges

I've come to believe that many good people have misguided ideas about what forgiveness actually is. My husband and I both come from families with issues (you are right, victims tend to attract. I think that we understand each other in ways others could not). I really struggle with other family members, friends, and acquaintances who assume that we are unforgiving, and, by implication, un-Christian, because we limit contact, refuse information, etc. It rots my socks to think that these people expect us to pretend that everything is “OK” and expose our children to the very insanity that we ourselves have worked so hard to overcome. Thank you for your words of wisdom and guidance.

Sincerely,

“Lauren”

Jim, I would like to tell a little about myself, I'm in my late 40's, the proud father of three grown men, along with two young grand children. These past 5 to 6 years have been the hardest of all, in my line of work I have been touched by the best and worst imaginable in life. I have also cared for and have had both of my parents pass away in my arms within a year. Taking care of them and their household, caring for my own family, along with a full-time career, were all something I just accepted as the things I was supposed to do. I didn't understand why, I just did it without question. My wife and I have always raised our children in the same manner. It was also during this time that I lost my way. I am now separated because of an affair. My grown children have cut all ties to me, I know this is in support of their mother, they are just doing what they were taught, "take care of your family". I have never drank or taken as many rx drug as I have in my entire life. Now I'm not able to work due to a bad back and neck. I have never felt as alone as I do now. Everything in your articles describe me to the tee. I look at your articles as the beginning to finding reasons of why I'm in the position I'm in. I take full responsibility for the choices I have made in my life, but I just don't understand why I made them. I hope God will make me understand through your writings.

Thank you. "Gabe"

In end of year 2004, I wrote to you telling you that my husband asked for divorce and he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. That time all that I felt was like the world has ended. First I don't understand why it has to happen to me until God brought you and some other people to me. That was when I know God is speaking to me and telling me that He will restore my marriage again but I will have to follow His ways. Of course God's ways are difficult especially when the circumstances doesn't show a bit that the marriage will work out again. God continued to remind me to put my focus on Him and His promise  and NOT my circumstances.

Throughout the 1st year, it was very difficult, painful and full of tears, but GOD is really faithful. He is always there each time when I called out to Him and His presence is so real. Most of my time was spent reading His Word and each time I can really feel God speaking to me through His Word and teaching me what I should do in each situation. During these times, God has changed me so much.

Throughout the 10 months after my husband told me that he will divorce me, he didn't speak to me at all. It was really difficult but I remember God asking me to just show love to him and expect nothing in return. That was the time God showed me what's the real meaning of LOVE. During that time all that I know is I'm relying on God's strength because if I were to use my own strength I would have moved out from the house because it was just too painful.

In Oct 2005, my husband decided to move out from the house, but again God is so good because He prepared me for that time. God has given me the strength to the extent that I was helping my husband to pack his things and even say goodbye to him when he is leaving. I remember telling God that I've done everything that God has asked me to do and now I surrender my husband to Him.

In Dec 2005, my husband called me and asked me out and that was the start of our marriage restoration which I've never expected that it would happen so fast. OUR GOD IS TRULY AWESOME & A GOD OF MIRACLE if we choose to believe.

It has already been more than 2 years our marriage has been restored and recently my husband decided to start attending church again. PRAISE GOD!! HALLELUJAH!!

The above testimony has already been shortened because if I were to write about the miracles from God throughout the 1st year, it will be extremely long.

Here I would like to thank you for your encouragement each time when I wrote to you and I really appreciate your time taken to reply me.

May God continue to bless you, your family, and your ministry. Take care.  

Love in Christ,   “Mimi”

I am glad to report that my husband has returned. He did purchase a motor cycle, and I'm surprised how much I enjoy riding with him. You'll never know just how grateful I am to you guys and all you do. I do so  appreciate the Conway books, and even my husband feels he has been saved by this knowledge and wishes to help others to that are going through this. It was almost instant for him, once he read  some literature from your website and some info in the books, he felt so much remorse and relief at the same time. But of course he was ready for it after suffering severe lows. Sincerely "Zena"

Wow, thank you! Your note comes at a good time when 2 minutes ago I was just thinking that a divorce would be nice just to end the pain from my husband. I’m just about to my breaking point. The harder I work the worse it gets. If it wasn’t for Jim, I would have no hope of surviving this. God works in wonderful ways. Please thank him for me. You have an awesome day and God’s Blessings on all of you.   "MJ2"

Your website is totally awesome! Our culture is so youth oriented. I see very little devoted to the subject of midlife, so I find your organization refreshing. It is easy when you reach midlife to feel as if you have less value as a person in some ways. Thanks for your help! I tell my friends about you!

"Lil"

Talking with you, Jim, has helped so much. I was so discouraged at that time. I just could not seem to pull myself together. I know that prayer does work. I have felt so much better these last weeks. I am praying earnestly that God will show me which direction He wants me to take. I am still praying that God will restore my marriage. My husband just seems so determined in continuing in this relationship with the other woman. But for now I am just waiting, praying, and listening for God to speak to my heart and let me know what to do. Thank you for being there. I thank God for you, Jim, and your Godly advice. Please continue to pray that I will do God's will and not my own will. God knows my heart and He knows that I want my marriage restored. May God bless you.   "Suzie-Q"

My name is Jade  and I've been married for 7 years now. I just read your book, "Traits of a Lasting Marriage", at the right time as my marriage was on the rocks. This book has really helped me as a person and has encouraged me to keep on 'keeping-on' and that nothing is impossible with God. May God continue blessing you.   Jade

Hi Jim and Jan,

I heard both of you speak this morning at TCBC. I'm really glad I got to hear you speak. What you had to say was really encouraging and exactly what I needed to hear. That's really amazing how God brought both of you together. Your stories are very encouraging. Thanks and have a great day.

"Duke"

I wanted to thank you for your book, "Men in Midlife Crisis". It is truly what my husband is going through. I just hope I can be strong for both of us. Right now he's refusing to see a doctor or counselor. I've scheduled an appointment with a christian counselor and have been talking with my pastor regularly. I have also ordered you book, "Your Marriage Can Survive a Mid-life Crisis". I am looking forward to learning ways to help him. I think he toyed with the idea of an affair (phone calls) but they seem to have stopped. He doesn't admit them I've just seen them on the cell phone bill. I count on the fact that he's still home and hasn't left. I'm sure you receive lots of emails. I just wanted to thank you for your books. They are truly a help.  

Sincerely,   "Fmtr"

Just a word about the web site: thank you, thank you, thank you for the unprecedented encouragement! I can't say thank you enough, you are a stream in the desert! I especially appreciate and am thankful for the success stories and the prayer requests, please, keep them coming! God bless you for all the wonderful work you do Jim, you are amazing. I only wish more people knew about this ministry, thankyou for giving us hope.   Jude

Thanks for your articles. I Googled, Adult Children of Divorce and found your book, "Adult Children of Legal or Emotional Divorce".  My mom left my dad after forty years of marriage when I was in my late twenties. I've just gotten out of a year long affair and want to renew my marriage. Its a daily struggle, but not impossible with God's help. I also read your article, "Cures and Causes of Affairs". Continue to bless God, "down2sleep"

It was the spring of the year, when the kings go off to war. But David, the king of Israel, remained behind.

He strolled on his rooftop as the sun set over Jerusalem. Now in his middle years, David was firmly enthroned in Israel, He was the victorious leader; in today's jargon, David had it all.

But there was a midlife restlessness in his heart and eyes that lured him to gaze in the direction of the naked, beautiful Bathsheba. The gaze turned to lust, the lust to adultery, the adultery to death in what has become a classic story of the midlife affair.

"If you look at the big guys of the Bible—David, Solomon, Samson—they were all in midlife when they fell sexually," said Bill Perkins, author of "When Good Men are Tempted." "These guys we look to as such moral heroes, the pattern of their lives was that in midlife they violated the moral values that they held to."

What is this powerful force that causes kings and Presidents, sanitation workers and scientists, pastors and farmers, to forsake the palace hearth for a little campfire along the highway of life? — Midlife Crisis.

"If you really feel bad, you're going to look for some way to stop it," said Kent A. Young, a clinical psychologist with an office at Madison's Lake Ambulatory Care Center of Lake Hospital System. "They feel bad and they try to offset it with adding a feel good. And if they are really desperate, they look for the big buzz."

Young said that the "big buzz" doesn't necessarily have to be an extramarital affair. In fact, many midlife men are so crippled by feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem that they are intimidated by the thought of approaching a younger woman. Alcohol, drugs or gambling is more likely to be their buzz of choice.

But solace also comes in 110-pound packages who smell good, listen well, have girlish mannerisms and remind the midlife man of the ecstasy he felt when he first fell in love—so many years ago.

Perkins said older men are naturally attracted to younger women because they possess the youth and sexual appeal that their wives have lost to time. As the man looks at his own aging body in the mirror, he realizes that if he's going to upgrade his spouse, he'd better do it now.

"He thinks 'If I wait another 10 years to have a relationship with a younger woman, it will be too late, I need to make a move now."’

Indeed, while midlife brings the end of youth, it signals the beginning of the longest period of our lives, notes Craig Nathanson, a California Web designer who developed "Coach Nate's Corner" (craignathanson.com) for those in midlife transition.

"Midlife adults can start to learn new methods not necessarily to change their life, but the way they experience their lives," he notes on his Web page. "This can lead to new choices for making midlife a process for self-empowerment and not a journey to the unknown."

"Coming out of it, you feel more in control and more focused on what you should be doing," Conway said. "You begin to have that sense of having it together again."

Conway said a midlife crisis provides a man with the opportunity to reassess his journey and make changes for the home stretch.

"It's good to let the crisis prod you to start the process of evaluation," he said.

Conway recommends that men who are struggling with midlife career questions purchase a copy of "What Color is Your Parachute" by Richard Nelson Bolles. Although it takes a substantial investment of time and thought, the exercises in the book can help midlife job seekers find a new direction or affirm their present one.

"His whole thrust is understanding who you are, what your strengths are and how to go with those strengths when you go to get a job," Conway said.

Conway said a midlife crisis can help a man focus his energies on one or two really important projects, "A 25-year-old will do everything and hope something will help," he said. "A 45-year-old knows what will help and what is a waste of time."

Nathanson recommends that the midlifer learn to go with his intuitions and invest some time defining his values.

"It is critical to look at your values and make sure that 90 percent or more of what you do each day aligns with those values," he said. Nathanson said if that's not happening, it is time to make some changes in your life and get a new focus.

Finding focus is one sign that you're emerging from the crisis and are on track for a better second half of your adult life.

"Coming out of it, you feel more in control and more focused on what you should be doing," Conway said. "You begin to have that sense of having it together again."

Optimism returns, as does the feeling that life has become more manageable, added Conway.

"Coming into the crisis, you think aging is bad," he said. "Now, you see that aging has given me powerful tools I didn't have when I was a 25-year-old."

"The struggle was within me, not outside," he said. "A lot of men think if they just change their car, job or wife, that will take care of it. It's not external, it's internal."

Survival stories

Zeb Bradford Long, author, pastor and executive director of Presbyterian and Reformed Renewal Ministries International, said he made it through his four-year-long midlife crisis by finding two Christian brothers and submitting to their brutal accountability. "I realized I could not do it by myself," he said.

Long said he came to the realization that although it appeared as if external factors were causing his crisis, the real problem was within himself. Ultimately, it would be up to him to fix what was wrong.

"The struggle was within me, not outside," he said. "A lot of men think if they just change their car, job or wife, that will take care of it. It's not external, it's internal."

Long said although his midlife crisis was a time of traveling through a spiritual wilderness, he did not forget God. But he said God took on a different role in his crisis.

"It was not the love of God, but the fear of God that held me," he said. Long said that fear of the consequences kept him from stepping across the line of midlife temptations.

While emerging from the crisis is a process for some men, in Long's case it was lifted as quickly as it fell.

"I woke up four years later and it was gone," he said. "I found myself wonderfully in control of my marriage, my work."

Long calls midlife crisis "a great, positive thing." "You realize you don't want to live the way you have been living the next half of your life and you make positive changes."

Couples who are facing midlife issues can find many resources from Midlife Dimensions. Book titles written by Conway and his late wife Sally include "Maximize Your Midlife," "Pure Pleasure," "Traits of a Lasting Marriage," "When a Mate Wants Out," "Men In Midlife Crisis," and "Your Husband's Midlife Crisis."

The authors of "The Dance-Away Lover" (Morrow) identify three cycles in most marriages: falling in love, falling out of love, and falling back in love. Conway said the last cycle doesn't happen as easily as falling in love the first time, but can be the most rewarding. Five things are needed to accomplish it:

1. Time. Midlifers are stressed for time and privacy. Couples have to make time for each other.
2. Commitment. Both partners must want the marriage to work.
3. Forgiveness. Conway notes that we are obligated to forgive each other.
4. Support. Marriage partners must learn how to carry each other's load.
5. Love. To love someone, you must know them, Conway writes. Get to know your spouse again; put the emphasis on the relationship.

Conway said midlife men need to "hang in there and keep working. It's like the alcoholic in AA, take it one day at a time and keep working the steps. Focus on the areas that need to change: career, marriage, relationships, God. It's like the 12 steps. If you keep working the steps, you are going to get healthier."

He notes that one of the most basic things a midlife man can do to improve his outlook and take care of that aging body is to start exercising.

"It's healthy for a guy to start working out and lose weight," he said. "It can help heal the depression."

And he shares this final bit of advice, the second half of which should not be read by the wife.

"Don't waste this time!" Conway added. "Do all the growing you can and learn all, you can. And make sure you get a motorcycle or a sailboat out of this."

An interview with Jim and Sally Conway with Dr. John M. Dettoni, Family Life Today Magazine

Jim Conway describes the utter desperation to which he was driven when he faced his own midlife crisis. Thanks, however, to the support of his wife, sally, and their three daughters, Jim not only charted his way successfully through those deep waters, but that difficult life passage led to a family ministry that has touched thousands of lives.

Out of their experiences Jim and Sally Conway have written books and articles on midlife, conducted seminars and conferences, and established Christian Living Resources, Inc (now Midlife Dimensions), a counseling service for those at midlife.

The Conways family's closeness--without dependence--is testimony of parents who have lovingly (not perfectly) helped their children grow from totally dependent infants to maturing adults. Interestingly, the early years of giving in-depth attention to their children continued on through the typically turbulent adolescent years and laid the groundwork for relationships with their three daughters as young adults. As Jim aptly stated, 'You can work with a lot of people, but they usually drift through your life and keep on going. They look back now and then and say It was really nice to know you. But what you really end up with is your family."

"The midlife crisis is a stormy, turbulent passage. The cause of turbulence is basically the questioning of values..."

While the female menopause can be proven from the standpoint of decreased estrogen production, there appears to be little hormonal basis for a corresponding male menopause.

Dr. Martin L. Mandel, a Lake Hospital System endocrinologist, said that while the levels of the male hormone testosterone decrease as a man ages, that in itself cannot be attributed to the psychological changes involved in midlife crisis. Typically, a man loses only 1 percent of his testosterone level annually, and male hormone usually do not begin to drop until after age 50.

"It does appear that as men age, the level of testosterone gradually drops, but if you look at aging men of 60, 70 or greater, probably only a small percent actually truly have hormone deficiency as identified by what the normal range of a hormone is," Mandel said.

Abnormally low testosterone levels would present symptoms of fatigue and decreased libido, erectile function and muscle strength. He does not dismiss the idea of "male menopause" as a medical condition, but said true male hormone deficiency would be to blame in a minority of males. Hormone replacement in males is not without its serious side effects, including increased risk of prostate cancer.

Jed Diamond, a therapist who directs the Men's Health Clinic at California's Long Valley Health Center, views male menopause as the product of a combination of hormonal, physiological and chemical changes. While the male hormone levels don't decline as rapidly as estrogen levels in the menopausal female, Diamond believes the drops are sufficient to produce symptoms like hair loss, depression, forgetfulness and reduced sexual desire and impotence.

Rather than being a time of discouragement, and gloom, see this transition as an opportunity to refocus and prepare for the "Second Adulthood" — focus on being rather than doing, soul-work rather than a career, sexual fulfillment rather than performance, and relating to other men as friends and allies rather than competitors.

Conway / Farrel Articles ~    Reprint by permission only,  ©2011

Midlife Dimensions ~ www.Midlife.com

The Conways and Farrels are international speakers and popular authors.

Midlife Dimensions is a ministry founded by the Conways and continued by the Farrels.

Will used to love his wife dearly but now he can't stand for her to touch him. He wonders if he ever really loved her. Mark's job used to challenge him but now he wants to quit. He says he has no future there; it's boring. Karen quit her job to stay home with the children. But they are so busy with school activities and friends that they don't seem to notice her. She feels worth ­less and thinks about leaving home.

And Tim constantly daydreams about flying his Cessna on an around-the-world trip. He's even thinking about taking his secretary along. "After all," he reasons, "she is sympathetic and understanding, not like my wife who only nags me." Will, Mark, Karen and Tim are in their 40s and are surprised by these emotional changes. They have been Christians for many years and active in their churches. But now they refuse to attend services. Their Bibles are falling behind the other books on the shelf. God seems remote and uncaring.

These four people are experiencing a common phenomenon: midlife crisis. "Midlife is a time when people reach the peak of a mountain range in their life and ask, 'Now that I've climbed the mountain, have I achieved what I wanted to achieve? Do I feel fulfilled?' It is a time," explain counselors Jim and Sally Conway, "of re-evaluating values for the coming years. “This re-evaluation, which commonly takes place at ages ranging anywhere from the late 30s to the mid-50s, causes most people to experience crisis.

The Conway’s, who have pastored churches for over 30 years, direct Chris ­tian Living Resources, a midlife counseling and teaching ministry started in 1981. They receive almost 1,000 letters and numerous phone calls each month from men and women who are trying to resolve their midlife crisis or understand their mate's crisis. The letters and calls are pleas for help:

"My husband has been depressed for over a year."
"I want to escape from my job and family.
"My wife has run away and doesn't want to care for our family anymore."
"My husband is having an affair and says he doesn't love me."

The Conways understand. They both had similar thoughts as they struggled through their own midlife crises. Several books on the subject have emerged as a result of their experiences: Men in Mid ­life Crisis, You and Your Husband's Mid ­life Crisis and Women in Midlife Crisis.

When Mrs. Conway first began to re-evaluate her values, she did not under ­stand what was happening. "I felt frus ­trated and lonely. I became engulfed in self-pity and jealousy. All these emotions during the last half of my 30s made me feel hopeless. Jim and I thought the prob ­lem was unique to me, that I was im ­mature and unspiritual. It wasn't until later that we knew I had gone through a midlife crisis. "

As senior pastor of Twin City Bible Church in Urbana, Illinois, Conway, too, had his own traumatic period of re ­evaluation. "My crisis started with a growing unhappiness with my work in the church," Conway says. "It seemed as if I was repeating the work of the previous five years. All I could think was, 'What do I want to do with the rest of my life?' As my depression deepened, I felt drained of enthusiasm and purpose. I desperately wanted to escape."

The Conways did not find answers to their crises in a first aid kit but discovered them through re-evaluating their lives over a period of years. This has enabled them to empathize with those in crisis and help others make the midlife transition without letting it become a full blown crisis.

A transition comes about when someone moves from one era or stage of life to another, such as from childhood to adolescence, to young adulthood, to midlife adulthood and then to being elderly. However, if several stress factors converge on a person while he or she is in transition, a crisis will occur. Conway sees that many stress factors spawned his three year crisis: a close friend died prematurely; he turned 45; two of his daughters left home for college within two years; and he was pastoring a growing church. Suddenly he real ­ized how old he was becoming. Death seemed more imminent. He began to ex ­amine his values.

Values are "the worth a person assigns to each area of his or her thinking and life," the Conways say. Thus when situa ­tions or "change events" arise, the value a person gives each event will determine the degree of stress he or she will undergo. Many negative change events may create overwhelming stress and a re ­evaluation of values.

Anger, depression and self-pity are products of the midlife crisis. A midlife man wonders if life is worth living and concludes that warring against his soul are four enemies: his body, his work, his family and God. If he can just defeat these enemies, he will be happy again.

Unfortunately, his body is a constant reminder of his lost youth. Society con ­vinces him only the young are valuable. To deny his advancing age, he may buy a sports car, go on a diet and dress in faddish, youthful clothes. As Conway puts it, "If a man's self-worth is tied to his physical abilities, he is likely to experience loss of self-image during midlife. Instead, he needs to shift his energies to develop his mental capacities rather than rely on physical strength. During my crisis, I went back to seminary to work on my doctorate. This new challenge was helpful."

Work becomes his second opponent. If he were not trapped by his job, he would not feel depressed. His job once provided an exciting challenge, but now he has given up ever reaching his high goals. Fantasies of early retirement or just dropping out filll his mind.

"It is this very comparison of dreams versus accomplishment that cause him to experience depression. Only as a man accepts the facts of who he is and what he can realistically do, will he graciously move into the next era in life."

Because of his family's dependency, a midlife man's wife and children become his enemies. Without family obligations, he thinks, he could do what he wants. The younger woman at the office who listens to his problems suddenly appears more attractive than his wife who con ­stantly harps about leaky faucets and problems with the children.

"Perhaps the most common cause for the midlife affair is a desperate urgency to solve the trauma of lost youth and masculinity," says Conway. "A vacuum of unhappiness and someone readily available make an affair appealing to him. “At first the other woman offers excite ­ment to an otherwise dull life. But the af ­fair eventually creates greater stress. If his wife has been understanding and has left a path for him to return, he often will. Finally, this confused man cries out, "God, You're not fair. You made me this way with these drives for achievement and sex. You're my enemy. "

If the midlife man blames these enemies, instead of accepting his confusion as a time of reassessment, he may try to escape through alcohol, excessive sleep or TV-watching. He will probably get angry and irritable. And he may consider early retirement. "When a man enters midlife crisis," says Conway, "he begins to feel he has too many problems. Everything keeps him from accomplishing what he wants to do. He has spent all the vigor of his youth and what has it done for him? He feels worse than ever before in his life."

As the midlife man reels from the crisis, he passes through six emotional stages, sometimes taking three to five years to do so. According to the Conways, these stages are identified as denial, anger, replay, depression, withdrawal and finally acceptance. "The denial stage can be a helpful process. The more a man denies his aging, the more his brain interacts with the concept and prepares him ultimately to accept it." Anger, the second stage, is the midlife man's way of saying, "It's unfair." He is "angry at everything and everyone. All his problems are caused by others, and no amount of advice or consolation helps him. “The replay stage occurs when he fantasizes "one more time." He may strive for one more success in business, one more new relationship, one more adventure. "This stage becomes very difficult if he has many unfulfilled dreams," points out Conway. "If he feels he has not experienced what he wants, there will be an urgency to enjoy these things. I fantasized often about sailing my boat to some unknown destination where I wouldn't have any responsibilities." Realizing that doing something one more time is not going to fulfill him, the man in midlife bogs down in the quagmire of greater depression, the fourth stage. He is even more depressed than before. He cannot stop the aging process. He feels helpless and alone in his struggle. With depression comes withdrawal, the fifth stage. He becomes sullen, moody and non-communicative. "But this stage as well as the other stages has its positive and negative aspects," Conway says. "Depression and withdrawal can bring about a healing process by giving a man time to be alone, to allow his frayed emotions to rebuild and his body to gain strength. "