"Dear Jim" Letters

Dear Dr. Jim, Thanks for "Adult Children of Legal and Emotional Divorce"

Dear Dr. Jim,

I first read your book “Adult Children of Legal and Emotional Divorce” when I was in my early twenties. And now, here I am in my late 30's re-reading it. I read your chapter on forgiveness with new-found interest. I love what you say on page 216:

Neither does forgiveness mean that you don't have a right to:

protect yourself
limit contact
refuse info
file legal or criminal charges

I've come to believe that many good people have misguided ideas about what forgiveness actually is. My husband and I both come from families with issues (you are right, victims tend to attract. I think that we understand each other in ways others could not). I really struggle with other family members, friends, and acquaintances who assume that we are unforgiving, and, by implication, un-Christian, because we limit contact, refuse information, etc. It rots my socks to think that these people expect us to pretend that everything is “OK” and expose our children to the very insanity that we ourselves have worked so hard to overcome. Thank you for your words of wisdom and guidance.

Sincerely,

“Lauren”

Thank you for your writings, Jim. From "Gabe"

Jim, I would like to tell a little about myself, I'm in my late 40's, the proud father of three grown men, along with two young grand children. These past 5 to 6 years have been the hardest of all, in my line of work I have been touched by the best and worst imaginable in life. I have also cared for and have had both of my parents pass away in my arms within a year. Taking care of them and their household, caring for my own family, along with a full-time career, were all something I just accepted as the things I was supposed to do. I didn't understand why, I just did it without question. My wife and I have always raised our children in the same manner. It was also during this time that I lost my way. I am now separated because of an affair. My grown children have cut all ties to me, I know this is in support of their mother, they are just doing what they were taught, "take care of your family". I have never drank or taken as many rx drug as I have in my entire life. Now I'm not able to work due to a bad back and neck. I have never felt as alone as I do now. Everything in your articles describe me to the tee. I look at your articles as the beginning to finding reasons of why I'm in the position I'm in. I take full responsibility for the choices I have made in my life, but I just don't understand why I made them. I hope God will make me understand through your writings. Thank you. "Gabe"

Wonderfully Restored Marriage Testimony

In end of year 2004, I wrote to you telling you that my husband asked for divorce and he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. That time all that I felt was like the world has ended. First I don't understand why it has to happen to me until God brought you and some other people to me. That was when I know God is speaking to me and telling me that He will restore my marriage again but I will have to follow His ways. Of course God's ways are difficult especially when the circumstances doesn't show a bit that the marriage will work out again. God continued to remind me to put my focus on Him and His promise and NOT my circumstances.

Throughout the 1st year, it was very difficult, painful and full of tears, but GOD is really faithful. He is always there each time when I called out to Him and His presence is so real. Most of my time was spent reading His Word and each time I can really feel God speaking to me through His Word and teaching me what I should do in each situation. During these times, God has changed me so much.

Throughout the 10 months after my husband told me that he will divorce me, he didn't speak to me at all. It was really difficult but I remember God asking me to just show love to him and expect nothing in return. That was the time God showed me what's the real meaning of LOVE. During that time all that I know is I'm relying on God's strength because if I were to use my own strength I would have moved out from the house because it was just too painful.

In Oct 2005, my husband decided to move out from the house, but again God is so good because He prepared me for that time. God has given me the strength to the extent that I was helping my husband to pack his things and even say goodbye to him when he is leaving. I remember telling God that I've done everything that God has asked me to do and now I surrender my husband to Him.

In Dec 2005, my husband called me and asked me out and that was the start of our marriage restoration which I've never expected that it would happen so fast. OUR GOD IS TRULY AWESOME & A GOD OF MIRACLE if we choose to believe.

It has already been more than 2 years our marriage has been restored and recently my husband decided to start attending church again. PRAISE GOD!! HALLELUJAH!!

The above testimony has already been shortened because if I were to write about the miracles from God throughout the 1st year, it will be extremely long.

Here I would like to thank you for your encouragement each time when I wrote to you and I really appreciate your time taken to reply me.

May God continue to bless you, your family, and your ministry. Take care.

Love in Christ, “Mimi”

Thank you for the Conway books!

I am glad to report that my husband has returned. He did purchase a motor cycle, and I'm surprised how much I enjoy riding with him. You'll never know just how grateful I am to you guys and all you do. I do so appreciate the Conway books, and even my husband feels he has been saved by this knowledge and wishes to help others to that are going through this. It was almost instant for him, once he read some literature from your website and some info in the books, he felt so much remorse and relief at the same time. But of course he was ready for it after suffering severe lows.

Sincerely

"Zena"

Thank you Jim.

I am so glad I spoke to you by phone Jim. You gave me many pearls of wisdom. After our chat, I realized just how much I had needed the chat. That realization made me break down in tears because I knew God is working in my life, and that He really cares.

I am so grateful for your ministry. Thanks, "Brin"

Dear Jim, From "AnnieK"

Dear Jim,

I just wanted to write a quick thank you for all your help. I know I probably seemed crazy when I called you last yearâ€¦but I felt like my world had fallen apart and my heart would never mend. Well, my world did fall apart for a while and yes my heart is still mending. However, it was with the patient advice from you and the staff and other participants in the chat room that helped me through many of the lonely nights. I had decided not to go on the boards regularly after a while because I felt very lonely sometimes after I got off, but I have really been trying to continue the advice you gave me. All my friends and family advised me to get rid of him and divorce him. But I didn’t listen.

I do at times struggle with letting go of the fear of future recurrence and fear of being compared to a world that he has now had a taste of and may someday want again. I try very hard to put the pain in the past but the little devil keeps popping up. Having my husband back in my life is the absolute biggest blessing I have ever received. I know that he struggles too and sometimes I sense I am driving him crazy and life's pressures are on his heels. I just pray a lot that he will be with me forever and that I can learn to be the wife he wants and to understand the man he is.

Thank you so much and you are right, loving them unconditionally is the key. When my husband first left I just went crazy. He has told me several times that had I stayed in that mode he would have never even considered coming back to us. But I didn’t. I loved him more, I tried to be kinder and sweeter than ever in our relationship. It was HARD very very HARD. Even now I sometimes slide back to the other me by mistake but I try to catch myself. He just wants to be loved and respected for who he is and who he can be without the ridicule and judgmental attitude. I do love my husband and someday, there will never be regrets.

After everything I have faced I feel the desire to help others who are going through the same things that we are going through. God Bless you all and what you do. There just isn’t enough help out there for people like us.

Thank you,

"AnnieK" in the chat room

From "MJ2"

Wow, thank you! Your note comes at a good time when 2 minutes ago I was just thinking that a divorce would be nice just to end the pain from my husband. I’m just about to my breaking point. The harder I work the worse it gets. If it wasn’t for Jim, I would have no hope of surviving this. God works in wonderful ways. Please thank him for me. You have an awesome day and God’s Blessings on all of you. "MJ2"

More Articles...

Midlife Dimensions

www.Midlife.com